How to Responsibly Share the Care of Older Parents – Part 2

Caring for parents when you, yourself, are in the 50-plus age bracket is a seriously demanding call. That’s why the load must be shared. Unfortunately, the burden of caring for elderly, often frail, parents usually falls onto the shoulders of the adult child geographically closest. If this is you, or you’re concerned about a sibling who is managing this burden, here are ways to help share the load (note – for the following plans to work, procedures need first to be put in place. Find out what some of these are, here).

Maintaining relationship

A very elderly parent is often without friends or a partner, these closet companions having already passed on. For this reason, an adult child who is living closest needs to be, first and foremost, a visitor and companion, and not solely a caregiver. If you are the adult child who is most often in personal contact with your parent, save your visits for sharing conversation and news, bringing a treat to eat together, and where possible, taking your parent on a short outing or even a weekend break away from home. If your parent would benefit from more visits than you are able to make, team your parent up with a service such as caring caller or volunteer visiting. While it may at first seem unusual to have someone outside family take on these roles, an older person is likely to quickly adapt, and come to enjoy the opportunity to converse with someone who is devoted solely to them for a period of time each week.

Appoint a bill-payer

Most of the services needed to lessen the burden of caring for a parent will require payment. Ask one trusted family member to take on this responsibility. All those involved in caring for your parent can then forward invoices to this one person for payment.

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Many routine appointments your parent requires do not need to be managed by you. In fact, you should avoid involving yourself in them at all, so you do not fall into the caregiver role. Instead, ask another family member to source providers of regular services such as hairdressers, podiatrists, and hearing and optician clinicians. Where a parent is not able to attend these appointments in person, the family member in charge should look for professionals who will come to the house instead. This can be done by phoning around service providers who, if they can’t offer the service themselves, can usually suggest someone who can. All invoices for services should be sent to the family member who has shared access to your parent’s bank account.

Home help and personal care liaison

If your parent is entitled to home help or personal care, this is unlikely to happen without the occasional hiccup. One family member should be the contact person for these services so if alternative arrangements need to be made, they can be kept in touch. As this can be managed by phone or text messaging, it does not need to be the responsibility of the adult child living closest to their parent.

Employ ‘a driver’

Where a parent is still able to leave the house, a weekly shopping trip is both practical and social. But just because you live closest to your parent, doesn’t mean you have to handle it.  Instead, someone in the local community can be employed to do this, a task that may be less costly if your parent still has a car that is registered, warranted, and appropriately insured. A suitable driver/shopping assistant can often be found through word of mouth or through your local social support networks such as Eldercare, or Citizens advice. Or it may be your parent’s existing home help or personal carer has the time to take on this extra role in a private capacity. Note: be sure to do a thorough security check before employing someone you do not know well. Once you have a driver employed, they can often be engaged to take your parent to non-regular appointments, such as those provided by doctors and physiotherapists. Note: in cases where you feel it’s not wise for your parent to be handling cash or a credit card while shopping, ask the family member in charge of bill paying to contact the supermarket where your parent shops. They can then arrange for an account for your parent to be set up, and regularly put it in credit.

Bring in the gardener and handy person

So many well-meaning adult children visit a frail parent, only to find their time is taken up with attending to grounds and house maintenance, or lugging out wheelie bins and bringing them in again. Ask a family member to source a local person to attend to regular chores such as lawn-mowing, hedge trimming, and water blasting paths, and occasional chores such as changing lightbulbs, checking smoke alarms, and repairing window catches or replacing tap washers. A responsible teenage neighbour or grandchild may be willing to take out and return wheelie bins for a small charge.

 Many of the tasks required to care for an elderly parent (and we have mentioned only a few, here), can be handled by family, remotely, or by a local casual employee. They do not need to be the responsibility of the family member living closest to their parent. By involving all family members, adult children come to appreciate each other and take pride in their joint efforts to care for the person who has cared for them.