Caring for Elderly Parents – The Hidden Costs

It’s been described as one of the most challenging ‘seasons’ of life – more difficult even than raising a young family while negotiating full time work. We’re talking about the reality of caring for ageing parents when you yourself are of retirement age. In our forthcoming series, we’ll walk you through the challenges faced by people in their 50s, 60s, and 70s who are negotiating the care of very elderly parents, many of whom are still living in their own home. We’ll share experiences, but more importantly, bring you tips on how to care for yourself while you care for those who depend on you.

But first, just why is caring for elderly parents so demanding when you’re no longer working full time, yourself?

Expectation

Parents hold a special place in our lives – and it’s assumed by their children they should be provided with the best care possible as they age. Unfortunately, if you’re the sibling who is first to retire, or the retired sibling living closest to your parent, the expectation of providing care is likely to fall on you – and you alone. What’s more, once this expectation is established, even as your siblings retire, you will still be considered the primary caregiver for your parents. It can be a difficult act to extricate yourself from.

Double load

It’s not uncommon for retirees to be caring for two sets of parents at one time, and in different parts of the country. Not only is there a significant call on your time, but also the expense of regular travel.

Life admin x 2

Many people assume caring for elderly parents is all about visiting, cleaning, shopping, and driving them to appointments. The hidden reality is life admin takes up an even more significant amount of time. You have your own ‘paper work’ to attend to: insurance policies, investments and banking, rates, health appointment schedules, car rego and servicing, mortgage or rental payments to negotiate, bill payments, phone top-ups or plans to change, birthdays to remember, wills to update … the list is endless. Now double it, because your elderly parent can no longer attend to these tasks themself, and it’s not difficult to see where your hours disappear to.

Future-proofing

As well as attending to your elderly parents immediate needs, you’ll also need to factor in time to make future plans. Do they, for instance, have enduring powers of attorney in place? Have they made their will? If their situation deteriorates, what is the next step in terms of care – and is it even possible given the shortage of rest home beds? If they do eventually require rest home care, what plans do you have for their home – sell or rent? Regardless of which it is to be, is the house in a suitable state to put the plan into practice, and if not, at what stage do you ready it for this purpose?

Emotional cost

Don’t assume the care you provide for your ageing parent will always be appreciated. We all value our independence, and this includes the very elderly and frail. As you become less of a son or daughter and more of a ‘carer’, the emotional toll on your relationship with your parent can be devastating – and it’s not something your siblings may understand.

Watch your back!

When you assume the care of an elderly parent, it’s not unusual for those around you to begin watching your actions more carefully. Relatives, friends, and even professionals, may suddenly start taking a close interest in your relationship with your parent. Some, such as professionals, will be watching out to make sure you’re doing your best for your parent in terms of health and safety. Others (often family members) may show an unwanted interest in how you are managing your parent’s finances – especially if they are to be recipients of the parent’s will. Friends of your parent may be concerned you are becoming overly cautious/demanding/domineering. In short, once you become a ‘carer’ you may be watched from every angle.

We don’t mean to alarm you, but caring for an elderly parent is not for the faint hearted. Before you take on the task, educate yourself about the duties ahead so you can prepare in a way that benefits both your parent, and you.