Caring for Elderly Parents Through Tough Times

In our recent series of articles on caring for an elderly parent when you, yourself, are not getting any younger, we’ve covered a range of topics from budgeting to how to plan breaks. Now, we come to the delicate topic of knowing when, for the sake of your parent, residence-based care may be the best option. Emotionally, for all parties involved, it’s one of the most difficult stages of caring for a parent, but when it comes, the clues are clear, and they have a common thread.

You may, for instance, already be aware your parent has the very occasional fall (it’s quite possible they will tell you about this themselves, or they may even have activated their personal alarm). When you begin hearing from others, however, that your parent has fallen, you know it’s happening more frequently. Reports may come from your parent’s home help, gardener,  neighbour, perhaps even the postie or the deliverer of meals on wheels. Your parent may also have unexplained cuts or bruises, the reasons for which they can’t remember or choose not to share. When this is the case, it’s time to sit up and take notice.

Other indications your parent isn’t managing can come through observing changes in their home. One senior who was caring for their elderly parent reported beds in spare rooms of the house were unmade (it turned out her father was unable to find his own bedroom after using the bathroom at night, so climbed into any bed he could find in order to keep warm). Another carer discovered soot smeared on the wall above the kitchen stove (his father had had a fry-pan fire and had tried, without success, to disguise the ‘evidence’). Whether it’s the fact there’s no hot water in the cylinder (because Mum forgot to turn off the shower after using it), or the cat is losing weight (because its feeding routine is being overlooked), the tell-tale signs of a parent’s more serious decline will become obvious when you are alert to them. The very fact a parent is unable to remember, or is reluctant to discuss such issues, is telling, in itself.

Hygiene issues are another clue. It’s not that you would necessarily expect your parent to manage all areas of their personal care alone (after all, many elderly people employ the services of home-help to assist with showering, denture cleaning, laundry, and bed-changing). Even toilet hygiene at home can be managed with a range of incontinence products. When you notice hygiene is being neglected outside these areas, it’s time to be concerned. It may be, for instance, that your parent’s clothing or carpet is soiled, or their supplies of incontinence wear are not being used up as quickly as you might expect. If you call on your parent in the early morning, and find they are wearing their day clothes in bed, or learn from their home help they are refusing showers, it’s time to ramp up your concerns.

Poor nutrition is another area that can point to the need for your parent to be in a more supervised care environment. Weight loss is a key indicator, but even before this occurs, you can check out poor nutrition in other ways. When you call in for a visit, take time to check the kitchen bin or compost container. When you see a significant amount of meal waste, it’s a clear sign your parent isn’t receiving the nutrients they require. Look in the fridge, too, for the remainder of partially eaten meals. Note whether bread is being used up as you would expect, or if it’s going stale. Check in the freezer to see if supplies are reducing, or not.

In essence, if you are a vigilant, loving carer of an elderly parent, you must also become a detective. Because the more difficult life becomes for the one you love, the more likely it is they may attempt to protect themselves (and possibly you),  from the reality of the situation. While there is much that can be done to enable a parent who wishes to remain in their own home to do just that, there may also come a time when their quality of life is best enhanced by being in a more supported situation. Be alert, and ready to help them make the change if it’s required.