Please – Do this for Me! A cry from our adult kids

As every parent of adult kids knows, you never stop worrying about your children. However, if you want to have a healthy relationship with your grown-up off-spring, it’s important to know what they really need from you. So, although it’s by no means an exhaustive list of to-do’s, we’re bringing you a 2 part series on how you can help your adult kids appreciate you more. For Part 1, read on!

Take care of yourself!

Our grownup kids have lives of their own, but they also care, very much, about you. However, if you’re forever on the needy side, it limits their ability to get on with their own lives because they’ll always feel drawn to help you. What your adult kids really appreciate is a parent who has their own life in order; a parent with their own interests, hobbies, holidays, friendships, even a new, dependable, partner relationship (if it’s what makes their parent happy). Your adult kids also want you to be as healthy as possible – for your own sake as well as theirs. If they can see you’re doing your best to eat well, stay fit, and manage health issues, it’s a huge burden lifted from their shoulders. Adult kids also want to know you have your future mapped out as well as you can, because when you do, both they and you feel more secure. Whether it’s a plan to stay put (with extra help if required), downsize, or move into retirement care when and if necessary, having talked about this together gives your adult child a sense of security. When you both feel secure about your intentions, you can enjoy each other without fearing for your future.

Stay in touch

The degree to which we stay in touch with our adult kids varies widely. For some parents, it’s a once-a-month thing; for others, it’s a quick, everyday call. However, what an adult child will appreciate more than anything, is a basic routine around communication. Knowing you’re going to be in touch (or be contactable) at predictable intervals, allows them to get a sense of your well-being without necessarily having to enquire. It’s a way of hearing you say: “I’m OK,” without their having to pry into your private life. A routine around communication doesn’t mean you won’t be in contact with each other when you have something special to report or when a crisis occurs – it’s simply a reliable way of checking in.

Notice me!

When they were littlies, you noticed your kids’ achievements – and made sure they knew it. Believe it or not, this is not something they want you to stop doing once they’re adults! They still want to make you proud and they still want you to know they’re capable. But there’s another reason why they want you to notice their achievements – it allows them (without verbalising it) to thank you for making them the person they’ve become. So make sure you comment on their successes. Speak your praise out loud whether it’s by text or in person. Ask them how they did it, show interest in what they tell you, be available if they want support. But never try to take over!

Be there for them

Once upon a time, you did everything for your kids. As time went by, you were their back stop. Now they’re adults, what your adult kids appreciate is your help in small but significant ways. It might be looking after a grandie so they can have a date night with their partner, helping out with a DIY project in their home, or folding the washing when the new baby arrives. Little acts make a difference and say: “I love you,” more than one-off grand actions. What’s more, you know you’ll be able to keep them up.

‘Parenting’ may stop once your kids reach adulthood, but ‘being a parent’ goes on forever. If you’re not sure what kind of parent your adult child wants you to be, why not take time out to ask them!