Tips for Grand-Parenting in a Blended Family

Over the decades, we’ve all become familiar with the concept of ‘blended families,’ often marvelling at how our own adult children cope with its reality in their own lives. However, less is said about the role of grand-parenting in a blended family. If you’re wondering how it can work, the following tips may help – because who doesn’t want to do their best for those they love and care about, especially when circumstances are not what we may have imagined.

Be patient with yourself

Your relationship with your grandchildren has had years to develop. When step-grandchildren come into the picture, it’s not your fault if you don’t immediately feel the same affection towards them, so don’t feel guilty about it. The warmth will almost certainly come – give yourself time, and make opportunities to get to know these new young ones.

Forget favourites

Although your relationship with your biological grandchildren may be stronger than it is with your step-grandchildren, treat all the children equally. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be spending the same amount of time with your step-grandchildren (who will likely have other grandparents as well) but it does mean no favouritism. This extends to (among other things) gift giving, treats, attending school functions, and offering a listening ear. If you’re worried gifts may be ‘scrutinised’ for fairness, gift a family experience (such as a family ticket to the movies or theme-park), instead.

Tips for titles

Your step-grandchildren need a name for you. Feel your way when it comes to this. Listen out for names that come naturally to them (or their biological or step-parent), and be accepting of it. If you sense awkwardness, get in first with a suggestion. For instance, you might be ‘Grandad’ to your biological grandchildren but if your step-grandies already use this name for a biological grandparent, you may like to go with ‘Grandad-Mike’ instead. While you’re at it, practise being inclusive by referring to your step-grandchilden as simply ‘my grandchilden.’

Parental respect

Make a point of developing a strong relationship with the biological parent of your step-grandchildren. When you do, this parent will appreciate your support and it will be conveyed, at all levels, to their children. This will make your relationship with your step-grandchildren stronger.

Educate with empathy

Your biological grandchildren have grown up with you. They know your expectations and will generally respect them. But your step-grandchildren will be less familiar with your ‘rules.’ Be patient but firm as they learn who you are and what you expect. Most importantly, help your biological grandchildren to understand this process so they don’t feel you are being occasionally lenient without good cause.

Making memories

Every grandparent can give a gift, but true bonding begins with the making of memories. Especially in the early days of getting to know your step-children, try to allocate extra time for making memories with them. Whether it’s a weekend away with the family, or a picnic at the beach, bond over activities, take plenty of photos, and be sure to display them in your home and to share them with the children.

Skip the inquisition

You may be inquisitive about your step-grandchildren’s life experiences before you met them, but children are sensitive to being quizzed. Instead of concerning yourself with their past, invest in their present and your future together. Rather than prying into their past, share with them your own. Talk about the pets you had, your school camps, your first dance (whatever is appropriate to their own age). It is sharing these little intimacies which show children you really care about them.

Check-in

Don’t be afraid to check in with your blended family’s parents about how you’re doing, grandparent-wise. It’s a quick way to show them you care, and your genuine concern will be appreciated.

Grand-parenting may not always be as straight forward as you imagined, but you can do this!