Adult Incontinence Part 1: Let’s Talk About It!

As seniors, we now talk about a lot of personal issues we once steered clear of, but while we may be comfortable discussing everything from our online dating success to our mental health, few of us want to broach the subject of incontinence. It’s a pity, given the frequency of the condition in the adult population, especially among the senior demographic.

Research suggests approximately 50% of women experience urinary incontinence (the involuntary loss of urine due to bladder control issues), while just over 33% of men over the age of 65 face the same challenge. Bowel incontinence, also known as ‘faecal incontinence,’ affects a smaller group of people, challenging about one in ten in the population, and more commonly affecting women and those in the over 65 age bracket. It is generally described as the involuntary loss of stool-liquid or stool-solids from the bowel, but can also include the inability to control flatulence.

The reasons why the subject of incontinence continues to be ‘taboo’ are many and varied. One in particular, is it’s associated with our early childhood, a period in life we are supposed to have ‘moved on’ from. Although we may not be able to remember our potty training as a child, deeply embedded in our psyche is the understanding that being ‘clean and dry’ is associated with being a ‘good person.’ Many of us will remember the shame of wetting the bed at night when we were older, and the bullying of children in our class who were incontinent. Because bladder and bowel are also part of the genital area, and therefore equated with personal privacy, we can be reluctant to talk about incontinence, even with close friends.

If we experience incontinence, steering clear of the subject can feel like a way to protect ourselves. If we disclose the issue to others, will they (even subconsciously) be looking at us to see if there are signs we’re wearing incontinence protection? Will they perceive odours that aren’t there, or worse still, will they be concerned for their own furniture if we visit, or their car upholstery if we travel in their vehicle?

Unfortunately, the less we talk about incontinence, the more those who experience it become isolated, and feel they are the only one to experience the challenge. So just how can we ‘come out’ about our incontinence to others (apart from our medical professionals)? As with other sensitive issues, it pays to talk first to those you know you can trust with your feelings. It may be your partner, a friend, or an adult child. However you do it, choose a situation where you will feel comfortable. For many, this isn’t in a sit down, eye-to-eye, context, but rather during the course of another activity such as when you’re out walking or working together. If you’re having difficulty bringing up the subject, look for a natural opportunity. For example, you may be shopping with a girlfriend and have to excuse yourself suddenly to find a toilet, in which, use this as a way to follow up, later, with an explanation for your urgency. You might even like to mention you’re so pleased you were wearing a pad. If using technical terms such as ‘incontinence,’ in the course of conversation, doesn’t sit comfortably with you, reach for words that make you feel more relaxed, such as ‘water-works’ or ‘plumbing problems.’

Don’t be concerned if your friend is reluctant to comment on what you’ve said, or to ask questions. Instead, make other opportunities to let them know of your challenge. They’ll soon become accustomed to it, and in most cases they’ll eventually feel comfortable discussing it with you. In the meantime, you’ll be gaining confidence in letting others know of your situation.

Incontinence isn’t something we should shy away from talking about. In fact, even if you don’t experience it yourself, you can still bring it into conversation as a way to make others, who do, feel comfortable and less alone. Let’s turn ‘taboo’ into ‘talked-about!’