Wrestling with Retirement

When the lesser known reactions can hit you hard!

Retirement brings with it many emotions, most of which we can prepare for. But when some of the lesser known reactions arrive unbidden, they can knock you for six. In this personal account, below, we hear from Faye, who never, ever, expected retirement to leave her feeling the way she did.

I was seriously excited about the prospect of turning 65 and receiving my first pension payment. If I’m honest, I thought about it most days (and nights) in the lead-up to my birthday. In preparation, I filled out the application form provided by MSD (Ministry of Social Development), made plans to withdraw my Kiwisaver, and set about reducing my workload to a minimum (something that was possible, as I’m self-employed). On the advice of friends who had recently retired, I also gave thought to how I might make use of my free-time. Consequently, I joined a local walking group, signed up to volunteer at my local I-site Centre, and headed to the travel agent for some brochures on solo Australian travel. ‘Sounds like a plan,’ I thought, and was secretly pleased with myself for taking so seriously what I had heard could become (temporarily, at least) the ‘retirement blues.’ Which is why what happened next was such a blow.

It started around 3 months before my 65th birthday, with an unsettling feeling that nagged me during the day, prevented me from getting to sleep at night, or woke me in the early hours of the morning. As it went on for a period of weeks, I decided to discuss it with my GP. When she identified the likely cause as ‘anxiety,’ we talked together about where it may have come from. That’s when I realised I was actually fearful of reducing my workload. After all, having worked hard all my adult life to provide an income (first for my children and I, and then for myself), how could I ever trust another (in this case our government) to pay me for work I wasn’t actually doing! And if they did, what if they suddenly change their policy, and stopped?

It took some serious focusing on the relaxation exercises suggested by my GP, and a couple of sessions with a counsellor, before I was eventually able to oust the anxiety. However, just as  it left me, I was struck by another seldom-mentioned pre-retirement worry. It was that I ‘didn’t deserve’ a pension. After all, I owned my own home, had a sound level of retirement savings, and could still work full time if I chose. When there were so many in the country who were in dire straits – from the homeless to those who couldn’t afford to give their children 3 meals a day, why should a ‘fat-cat’ like me receive regular payments for doing nothing?

My first effort at dealing with this unsettling feeling was to head to a site called Share My Super to find out how, if the government insisted on paying me a pension, I could morally dispose of it. Fortunately, before I signed up to this very worthy cause, I talked about it with a friend. She pointed out my retirement savings were within the level advised by reputable sources, but actually not significantly greater. She also gently pointed out I had always been a slightly ‘over-the-top giver,’ but this could, and should, include giving to myself. Furthermore, she wisely advised, if I wanted to give more money away, I could always do so at the end of each financial year, at which stage I’d be in a better position to look at my budget. Then, if it was apparent my means allowed, I could increase, on a one-off basis, the donations I was already making to my various charities. As I thought about all she’d said, I began to recognise I had never placed much value on myself – something I’ve come to suspect originates from my childhood, and also from a broken marriage. I’m still working through this, and head back to my counsellor to discuss it. But in the meantime, I’m banking my pension.

If you don’t already think I’m balmy, may I confide in you one more retirement concern that is bothering me – one that’s manifested since I actually began receiving my pension? It’s this: now I’m a super annuitant, I can’t help thinking my days are numbered, and despite being fit and healthy, I’m at the butt-end of them. I know, it’s crazy, and this time, I’m determined to send the worry packing under my own steam. To help me do it, I’m becoming even more social: think more coffee meet-ups, plans to go halves in a small campervan with a friend, and definitely a solo tour to Auz. Retirement is meant to be enjoyed, and despite what my irrational brain is telling me, I’m determined to make it happen!