Negative mindsets can be maddening, but never more so than when they adversely impact your relationship with a friend or family member. Take the example of Alan’s friend, Don. Alan and Don have been fishing mates for years. They’ve fished every major trout river in the country, and were planning to head to Tazzie for a fish in the rivers, there, too. Then, Don suffered a stroke that left him unsteady on his feet, and suddenly, he didn’t want to go anywhere: not into the garden, not for a drink at the social club, not even out to the supermarket. He didn’t want to go fishing, and certainly not to Tazzie. What’s more, Don was refusing to use the walker his occupational therapist said would help him do any of those things, and more. Alan realised if he was to get his old mate back, he had to work on changing Don’s mindset. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, so he did his homework first, and the strategies (below) are what he found helpful. Check them out for yourself because they just might help you gain back the fun and companionship you used to have with a friend or family member who has lost confidence and developed an unhelpful mindset.
Be curious, not cross
Don’t get on your high horse about the situation. In fact, climb right down and be genuinely curious about what has brought this mindset (be it old or new) about. In Alan’s case, he asked Don what he found difficult about using a walker.
Be an understanding listener
No one actively chooses to limit themselves, so the person with the negative mindset is likely to hold some very strong views about why they can’t manage an area of their life. In the case of Don, through gentle, patient, non-judgmental conversation, Alan discovered, shortly before Don’s mother went into rest home care, she’d had to rely on a walker to get around. Don didn’t feel he was ready for a rest home (Alan knew he wasn’t) but in Don’s mind, he equated walkers with rest homes, so he sure as heck wasn’t going to use one!
Offer feedback
Although it can be tempting to argue with the perspective of someone with a negative mindset, the best thing is not to. Instead, repeat back to them what they’ve just told you (in summary form) so they really feel heard and understood. This is the first step to coming alongside them as the friend you really are, and gaining their trust over the issue at hand.
Suggest alternative examples
The next step might be best taken at another time – once your friend has had a chance to think about their own words, and after you’ve had time to gather a little helpful ammunition. In Alan’s case, next time he went to visit Don, he told him about his neighbour, Ron, who’d been diagnosed with MS. Ron and his wife loved to travel, so Ron had tracked down a fold-up walker with a built-in seat. It was light enough to be taken on a plane as check-in luggage, and it meant he and his wife could still see the sights together overseas, with Ron sitting down (wherever they were) when he got tired. Rather than having anything to do with a rest home, Ron’s walker was helping him see the world! When Alan left Don’s, he gave him a brochure containing the specs for Ron’s walker, just in case he might be interested in it. He certainly didn’t ask for Don’s opinion on the walker.
Wait and assist
Mindsets don’t dissolve overnight. If you back someone with a mindset into a corner, you’re unlikely to get anywhere. Instead, wait for any signs of the mindset softening. When you see it, gently offer assistance to help with the change. In Alan’s case, he offered to take Don to a mobility specialist who was willing to let Don test drive a walker with the kind of big wheels that would help him and Alan access a local river bank from where they could fish. Alan didn’t suggest it would necessarily work for Don. He left Don to make up his own mind.
Collaborate
If your friend or family member feels able to make a mind shift, build camaraderie by talking to them about how they see the shift developing. In Alan’s case, as he and Don again started considering going fishing in Tazzie, they worked together on other ways to make it work. They designed a modified pack Don could use to get his gear and his walker to the river edge. They discussed the need for a life jacket in case Don fell in the river (because his legs weren’t up to treading water), and they explored rivers in Tazzie accessible with a walker. Suddenly, the fishing trip became more of an adventure for both of them than it had been before Don had his stroke.
Helping a friend or family member change a negative mindset, begins with empathy, and ends with camaraderie. Along the way, your relationship will be closer and stronger than it ever was before!
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