Article by Emily Kensington
As a psychotherapist specializing in couples therapy, I'm frequently called on to help clients deal with break-ups or divorce.
Common reactions to divorce or break ups are not just emotional, they are often physical and behavioural. For example, many folks report feeling anxious, like they have been socked in the gut or chest while the butterflies in their stomach affect their eating and sleeping habits. Sound familiar? Relax, this is a normal reaction.
Other times, clients report feeling mostly "numb" until the larger implications of the break up or divorce finally hits them. Everyone's individual reaction is different however, but one thing remains true: Heartbreak is very real, very painful, and most relationship advice aimed at helping people get over a break up or divorce is similar to grief therapy.
However, there is hope! While coping with a break up or divorce can feel hopeless or overwhelming, remember that time is a great healer. Always keep this in mind: Your problems and feeling are temporary, and you are bigger than both of them. So hang in there, because the longer you hang on means you are one day closer to feeling better.
That said, here are some steps you can take to begin the healing process.
Relationship Advice: Recognise Your Feelings
A common response to negative events is numbness, but underneath that numbness are often feelings of hurt, anger, inadequacy, fear of the unknown, and loneliness. Honouring those feelings is an essential part of the healing process.
Try exploring your feelings by keeping a journal of your thoughts and emotions. I also encourage my clients to write letters. For example, compose a note to your ex exploring what you are, or aren't, going to miss about your partner. What are you angry about? What are you sad about? What do you fear this break up means? What was your part in the break up? What are some things about your ex that you'll forever appreciate or remember? It's cathartic to get things off your chest. Whether you mail it or not doesn't matter, recognizing your emotions is most important. And in the future, when you're in a healthier place, you can look back on it and have a chuckle.
Relationship Advice: Combat Negative Thinking
It's not unusual to have thoughts such as "I will never date again." However, when having these negative thoughts, it's useful to ask yourself rational questions in response such as: What is the effect of believing this thought? What are the disadvantages of this thought? Is there is an alternative explanation to this thought? What would I tell a friend who is in a similar situation?
Using the example of "I will never date again," the effects of believing this thought are easy: You'll forever be alone, you'll remain unhappy, and create a self-perpetuating cycle of negativity. In short, you'll assure your own misery. An alternative explanation may be "I feel bad right now, which is understandable, but I won't feel like this forever and who knows what the future holds?"
Make a List
Another technique I recommend is having clients take a few minutes to write a list of all the positive qualities they offer. This helps them see that they have lots to offer future partners. What about you makes you feel proud? What would your family and friends say they like or love about you? (You may even ask your friends and family to assist you.) What are your achievements? Who in your life do you know loves you?
Rid Your Environment of Reminders of Your Ex or "Old Life"
Do Something for Yourself
Learn Your Motivation for Engaging in Relationships
Be honest! Which of your needs was getting fulfilled by your relationship? Fear of being alone? Financial security? Did you simply stay for the sake of the children? What was the real reason you broke up? Often, it's because as a coupe you were either not compatible (didn't have the same needs, goals, world views, etc) or communication was poor. Therefore, to help ensure the chances of finding healthy relationships in the future, it is vital to learn from your past.
Moving Forward
At some point, most folks become fed up with feeling bad, and begin moving on. In fact, studies show that these emotional rebounds can be very liberating and empowering.
My most important relationship advice is this: The past does not have to determine the future, and if you’ve loved deeply once then you are capable of experiencing it again. In fact, if you take the time to heal you will come out of the relationship MORE experienced and even MORE able to engage in loving relationships!
Joseph Foster - 7 years ago
Each day hundreds of men and women seek revenge on their ex-mates for a
variety of reasons, usually because they got dumped or where cheated on.
Revenge comes in many ways. It typically starts by using social media to
vent, and then escalates from there.
So what is the best way to get revenge besides slashing her tires, posting
nude photos of her and so on.
The best way is to live your life well. This is true no matter who you are seeking revenge on. Coworkers,
past bosses, bad friends or ex-lovers. Put your energy into succeeding and
enjoying your life, not wasting your time, energy and resources on revenge
that can end up costing you much more. Plus, when you seek revenge, you send
them a massage that you have not gotten over the relationship. It’s much
better to show you are indifferent and don’t care.
According to Kenneth Agee of A Foreign Affair, a service that specializes in
helping men find young beautiful foreign women, “The best revenge is to date
or marry a women 10 years younger than your ex. This will pi*s her off to no
end. No woman ever wants to be replaced with a younger, more attractive
woman. Just like a man never likes to get replaced by a guy who is wealthier
or more successful.
I will never forget one of my first clients we took to Saint Petersburg,
Russia.” says Agee, “The client told me that two days on our tour was better
than two years of therapy. Having hundreds of attractive women fighting over
you gets your ex out of your mind pretty quick.
I personally went through break up when my ex ran off with another man. But
a short time later, I met a new lady who was ten times better. I ran into
that man who stole my ex and I gave him a big thanks. In fact, I could not
thank him enough. He was stuck with an older nagging women, while I was now
with a young, beautiful, caring women. Plus, my ex had gained about 100
pounds. I don’t look at that fellow as any kind of enemy but as the person
who saved me from my ex and years of suffering.” This is the best a revenge
when you win without lowering yourself.
Other sites give practical advice and tips for
getting over a past relationship.
Top Tips:
Start making platonic relationships with as many women as possible, old,
young, skinny, fat, cute or ugly. This greatly helps you get back in the
game of socializing with the opposite sex. And it opens up lots
opportunities to meet their cute attractive friends in a more relaxed
environment. This also helps you build your game and confidence.
Improve yourself, start working out, get up early every day and exercise.
Buy new clothes. Dressing better makes you feel better and improves your
confidence.
Focus on work and getting a promotion or raise. Don’t let a break up effect
your work negatively. Put that extra effort into work and it will pay off
with a better position and more money. This will also build your confidence
and help attract better quality women.
Any time you are depressed, improving yourself helps greatly. When you feel
depressed, don’t sit and watch TV and then sleep-in late. Get out and do
something that will make you feel like you’ve accomplished something. Take a
class, go hiking, fix something you’ve been putting off.
Don’t start drinking. Drinking will always have a negative impact on your
life. Don’t drink while depressed or when you are trying to get over some
one. After all, drinking is for celebrating. So if you are not celebrating
something, don’t drink. A quality women is not going to be attracted to
someone who drinks a lot or has a drinking problem.
Don’t sleep in; sleeping late increases depression. Get up as early as you
can and go for a walk, take a hike, or go to the Gym. Research shows getting
up early and exercising can eliminate depression. You will have no game be
depressed.
Don’t binge eat. If you start gaining weight, you will feel less self-worth
and lose your confidence. Confidence is a quality that women are extremely
attracted to.
Conclusion, the best revenge is when you improve your life so well that she
realizes she made a big mistake. And satisfaction comes when you meet
someone so much better, you are glad the ex is gone. After all, if you are
seeking revenge, how great could she really have been in the first place!