Dopamine and the Drama Queen

‘Dopamine’ is a word we sometimes tire of. So often we hear it used as an explanation (and sometimes an excuse) for almost every mood and behavioural disorder you can think of. However, before you stop reading, give some thought as to why dopamine features so prominently in mental health discussions. We’ll start by heading back in time – way back – to before humans were even on the scene, because it’s not just homo sapiens who possess this often discussed neurotransmitter.

It turns out even nematodes (tiny 1mm long round worms) rely on dopamine to function, too, as do almost all vertebrates (animals with a spinal column and a skull) and invertebrates (animals which lack these bony structures). At the most basic level, it’s thought dopamine can dictate which animals are most likely to dominate their social group, and which are more or less likely to take risks. In humans, dopamine can influence whether we are more likely to be content with life or eager to actively seek out new experiences. Which may go some way to explaining why it is some of us have Drama Queens (or Kings) in our life (for the sake of simplicity we’ll refer to these exhausting friends as DQK’s).

DQK’s likely have a dopamine-dominated brain. In an evolutionary sense, this may have been helpful. For example, when everyone else in the cave was tired and weary, the DQK’s may have been the folk who kept the cave community alert and on their toes in terms of looking out for danger or finding food. The downside is dopamine-dominant brains don’t like to relax. When the coast is clear and everyone has enough food in their bellies, the dopamine-dominant brain is still searching for stimulation and action. For the DQK’s in your life, this can spell mayhem on the horizon!

With little else going on in life, DQK’s can, without even realising it, hunt out the slightest cause for a crisis. It might be a perceived minutely derogative comment a friend has made about them, a neighbour who’s car’s noisy exhaust wakes up the street when they leave for work at 6am, or even an approaching weather event. Suddenly, there’s little else going on in your DQK’s life but the one happening. In fact, even if it’s not a happening, they’ll turn it into one! You might be on the receiving end of several phone calls a day from your DQK as they relate to you in detail their latest conversation with the friend who ‘slighted’ them. You may have a petition thrust in your face, or sandbags delivered to your door (whether you want them or not!). In short, DQK’s are in overdrive to the max, and they are seeking to draw in anyone who can aid them in fuelling their fire. So, what can the non-DQK friend or family member do to help their loved one and themself?

For starters, remind yourself there’s a reason for your DQK’s behaviour – and it may be one they can’t necessarily control. So, sigh, but don’t lose your cool with them because DQK’s feed on other’s negative reactions, including yours. DQK’s also operate on feelings not facts, which means you can often diffuse their OTT behaviour by keeping the conversation focused on the latter. Whatever you do, don’t be drawn into the drama by offering to assist or mediate. Keep your  boundaries clearly defined. You may be willing to hear your DQK’s out, but don’t put up your hand to help. If contact is incessant, don’t respond immediately (whether it’s to emails, texts, or phone calls). If you want to stay in touch, take the initiative by making contact in your own time and to your own schedule. This helpfully models the level of attention you believe the ‘crisis’ deserves.

As with all situations your DQK is drawn towards, the latest will eventually abate (at least in intensity). When it does, your DQK can be left feeling empty, deflated, and (usually) rejected or unappreciated. This is the time you can be there for them in a real way – not to console them over the drama that very likely never existed in the first place (or certainly not to the degree they felt it), but as a friend with everyday plans in mind. You might want to take them out for a coffee, invite them round for a meal, or even go on a mini-break together. When you do, keep conversation firmly grounded in the present by redirecting it away from the most recent drama to what you’re enjoying in the moment – whether it’s the coffee or the scenery. Your aim is to keep a baseline of calm.

Above all, try not to be disappointed when your DQK’s next crisis arrives. As it almost certainly will. Instead, stick to your plan, enjoy their company when you can, and always remind yourself Drama begins with a ‘D’ and so does ‘Dopamine.’