Would you Up-Sticks to Live Closer to your Adult Child?

In Part 1 of our series on deciding whether or not to move, in order to live closer to your adult child, we considered the reasons why a son or daughter might invite you to do this. However, even if you find you’re satisfied the invitation is as much in your own interests as your adult child’s, you still have a lot of homework to do before deciding whether or not to make the move. In Part 2 we consider what this homework entails:

Part 2 – Pros and Cons

Relationship

There are many reasons why you might want to move home to be closer to your adult child, but first and foremost should be your present relationship with them. If you currently have a close or comfortable bond with your son or daughter, it’s natural to want to live where you can see them on a more frequent basis. However, many older parents make the mistake of moving closer to their adult child in the hopes of establishing a close relationship that was never there in the first place. Or their move may be made with the intention of repairing a relationship badly damaged in the past. Sadly, the reality is, if you haven’t managed to develop or mend your relationship already, closer proximity, alone, is unlikely to help. That’s not to say a relationship can’t be built or revived, but undertaking the huge and disruptive effort of moving home, is not necessarily a recipe to make it happen.

Loving the life, or left more lonely?

The hope of spending more time with an adult child and their family may be appealing but it must not be the sole reason for your wanting to move. If it is, you may be left disappointed, at best, and lonely, at worst. Your adult child, their partner, and their children have their own lives – of which you are likely to be an important part. However, it doesn’t guarantee you will see them on a daily – or even weekly basis. Or that you will holiday with them – in which case you may go weeks or months without seeing them. Small children, especially, can be fickle, so although a grandchild may want to hang out with you every day for a month, when they find a new best friend or hobby, the situation can change in an instant (it doesn’t mean they don’t still love you though). If you feel confident about establishing your own interests and friendship groups in your new location, then having your family close by will be the icing on the cake. However, it’s best not to entertain unrealistic notions about the amount of time you will actually get to spend with them.

Services and amenities

Realistically, for most of us, family will always come first in our hearts. However, as we grow older, we will require a great deal more, in practical terms, than their love. Does the location you are considering moving to offer the services you currently enjoy – a medical centre willing to take on new patients, a dentist and physio within easy reach? How far will you need to travel to access an optician, a hospital, or a place of worship? If you can’t drive, or there is limited, or no, public transport, how will you get to appointments (your family won’t always be available to take you)? Don’t expect your family to be your major source of company – what are the opportunities for finding new friends and amenities where you plan to live? Are there clubs and societies there of interest to you? How far away is the tennis court, the pool, the golf course? Tempting though it is to move to be with an adult child, their concept of the perfect location may not be yours.

Thinking ahead

Any senior with common sense, will want to look ahead to a time when they may not have their current level of independence. If you move to be with your adult child, what would your new location offer you in terms of care and support, other than what you might receive from your family (which cannot be there for you 24/7)? Is home-help available, a senior driver service, online-order grocery delivery, rest-home care? None of us can hope for everything should we require a wide range of services, but planning ahead should take into account the availability of what might be your most essential needs. 

Should you move to be with your adult child, or stay put? It’s never going to be an easy call to make. However, by working through the pros and cons, slowly and thoughtfully, you will have a much better chance of making a decision that holds few, if any, regrets.