Living Alone, Together – What’s it all About?

If you are in a long-term ‘couple’ relationship, it is usually automatically assumed you and your significant, romantic life-partner live under the same roof. Yet this is not always the case. In fact, it was recently estimated around 10% of intimate couples in New Zealand, live apart. You might think this is for logistical reasons – with partners being unable to co-habit because their homes or employment are in locations far from their significant other, but this is not how it always works. The vast majority of couples who live ‘alone but together’ actually live within 60 minutes of each other. They will likely see each other at least once a week, and sometimes on a daily basis. So just what’s going on, and why? When we spoke to seniors who are living alone, together, this is what we found out:

All love but less responsibility

Seniors who meet on their older years value intimate relationships but it doesn’t mean they want the total responsibility of caring for a partner in their senior years. The older people are when they meet, the more likely it is health issues will arise. If older, recently-met, couples co-habit, there is always the concern their immediate families won’t step in to help should they become unwell. Instead, they will assume their partner will be the main care-giver. By choosing to live alone, senior partners get to enjoy the intimacy of a romantic relationship while not putting up their hands to be the sole helper should times get tough, health-wise.

Financial independence

Seniors have spent a lifetime working towards financial independence in their retirement years, but not all of them. Many recently-met senior couples are reluctant to co-habit, because of the inevitable splitting of assets and savings that comes with it. Rather, they prefer to maintain their financial independence – happy to share when they wish to, rather than when it is legally required of them. Note: for legal responsibilities on the formal requirements of asset and savings sharing as it relates to Work and Income and NZ IRD, consult these agencies for official, up to date information.

Old habits die hard

Whether or not we get more set in our ways as we age, many seniors who live alone are attuned to their own daily routine, and don’t wish to relinquish it. While they’re happy to go out and about with a partner, and to share their homes with each other in a casual way, the thought of having to change their life patterns to fit in with another, on a permanent basis, simply doesn’t appeal. What’s more, many seniors say they experience all the benefits of a marriage but less of the mental health stress, when they and their partner live in separate homes.

The privilege of privacy

While many later-in-life partners are happy to share much of their lives with their newly found other, they may wish to hold on to aspects of their privacy – such as meet-up groups, volunteering timetables, and family celebrations. While not wishing to ‘keep secrets’ from their later-in-life partner, living alone does help them maintain the sense of privacy they have come to value.

Complexities with kids

While seniors don’t want to be controlled by their families any more than anybody else, they may also not want to ‘rock the boat’ at a time in their life when family is more important to them than ever. While adult kids may be happy for a parent to have found love in their later years, they may be less accepting of a parent’s live-in arrangement with their new partner. To help keep the familial peace, many recently-met senior couples are more comfortable remaining in their respective homes, than with moving in with each other.

The past pervades

Not all seniors have lived in harmony with their previous life partners. In fact, separation, or even the loss of a long-term partner, may have come as something of a release. While happy to have found a new partner in later life, a senior may not be willing to take the risk of having a situation, similar to their last relationship, develop. Rather than the worry of having to extricate themselves from a complex domestic relationship should it prove necessary, they prefer to live in their home, while their later-in-life partner, remains in theirs.

Living alone doesn’t have to mean you live without an intimate partner. Rather, as a senior, it may simply be a model of living and loving you prefer.