Sanity Savers in the Countdown to Christmas

1. Sorting Out Family Arrangements

Discussing who goes where and when: before, on and after Christmas Day can really make the stress levels soar at this time of year. Everyone's often tired and sometimes facing a string of work and self-imposed deadlines doesn't help, nor does the fact that parents are facing the big question of what to do with the kids over the long summer break. On top of that people are drinking more and often feeling personally under a lot of pressure, and financially as well.

GrownUps asked Relationship Aotearoa counsellor Hilary Smith for some pointers on promoting harmony in the face of conflicting demands, desires and expectations this Christmas:

The biggest thing you can do to help take the pressure off this Christmas is begin to see Christmas as a holiday season rather than just one day. You don't have to do everything on Christmas Day.

The next most helpful thing you can do is think about potential issues in advance so you can have a good crack at nipping them in the bud. For instance, if you have experienced feeling left out of the celebratory loop, initiate some ideas and suggest one or two possibilities to the family to avoid feeling the same way this year. By picking up the phone and saying something along the lines of "I'd really like to see you at Christmas, what would work for you?", you substantially reduce the chances of the same thing happening again.

Be flexible, but don't leave it up to someone else to organise. There's no need to be helpless and powerless. Take some control and initiate something and if you can't catch up with family over the Christmas season, catch up with friends. You can be sure there will be other people in the same boat.

If you know you are going to be on your own and you enjoy it then get some real treats for yourself to add to that sense of enjoyment. Take the initiative because there's always going to be other people around thinking 'what the heck am I going 2 do?'

You don't have to be on your own this Christmas. Reach out to others you think may be on their own and take the opportunity to catch up even if it's just for a cup of tea or drinks, rather than for a meal.

And if you hate Christmas, what about organising a 'Not Christmas' and inviting some like-minded folk to do something you all enjoy instead like a picnic or barbeque at the beach?

If you feel that you miss out at Christmas because your son or daughter doesn't see your grandchildren, initiate direct contact with the parent who has the care of the child or children that day and just ask what's possible. Make it a priority for the kids to have an enjoyable day and think about what they can cope with. Be flexible and remember you don't need to squash a lot of appointments to add to the pressure of the whole day. By making an arrangement sometime over Christmas, you can take the pressure off and make catching up so much more relaxing and fun!

Next week: Sanity Saving Difficult Family Relationship Busters.