Financial Abuse

Family. You can't choose them. With any luck you love and adore them, and as you get older, they care for you as you did for them as they were growing up.

While fortunately not extremely common, elder abuse does still exist, and it comes in many forms. When you think of abuse, physical and emotional tends to come to mind first; but financial abuse is also something to look out for.

It may start as a very kind and polite request for assistance from a loving child or grandchild, with a promise to pay it back as soon as possible, but if parameters aren't clearly set out and enforced, bad habits can creep in. Some older people have found themselves paying bills that they have no part in incurring, and end up going without, after masterful manipulation.

It is entirely natural to want to help family members out – most families will have had the 'lottery discussion' on many occasions, where they plan how many people could be helped if they had a big win. Helping of one's own free will is one thing, but being coerced, nagged or bullied is quite another thing.

Money can be a real flashpoint within a family. "Neither a borrower nor lender be," is the ideal. As we grow up, we all need to live within our means, budget and learn to save and wait for things sometimes. The very best thing you can give to family members is sound advice and assistance in achieving this. A good rule of thumb is to never lend a sum of money that you wouldn't be happy to never have returned. 

Never also enter into secret arrangements ("Please Nana, don't tell Mum, I've learned my lesson I promise, it'll never happen again…."). You have only one person's word for how the situation came about, which may not be entirely accurate.

If you have worked hard all your life, and been sensible with money, you may be in the position to leave your family an inheritance upon your death. This is not a requirement of parenthood! This is an entirely personal choice, and one which you should make on your own. Never forgo opportunities to travel or live your life to the fullest, simply to leave something for family.

If you do choose to leave an inheritance, you may also choose to offer your family members part of it if they are in need (eg to help with a deposit for a home). This is a wonderful and selfless gesture, and it should come from the giver, not as an idea from the recipient.

As with all abuse, financial abuse can start off seeming innocuous, but eventually develop into a dangerous pattern. Make sure that you talk over financial decisions with a third party professional, and don't allow yourself to be swayed by those you love.  

Doing a good turn for someone should feel good. It should never feel like an obligation. Trust your instincts.