They walk among us

They certainly won't, actually you might, believe these clangers!

I walked into a Subway with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail!


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They walk among us!!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They walk among us!!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open. I told her, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." She responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They walk among us!!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They walk among us!!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

They walk among us!!


While standing in line at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep. They walk among us!!

An American In Scotland

An American was going for a job interview in the Scottish countryside and on his way out he asked a local farmer for directions:
"Excuse me, dude , could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?"

The farmer said: "You driving or walking, lad?"

The American replied: "Driving."

The farmer nodded, saying: "Aye definitely the quickest way

Genuine quiz show answers

Bamber Gascoigne : What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant : Goosey, Goosey?

Anne Robinson : In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant : Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson : Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant : Bombay .

Anne Robinson : What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant : Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson : Wh…?
Contestant (interrupting) : Pass!

Anne Robinson : In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant : Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson : The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew , Mark , Luke and…?
Contestant : (long pause) Joe ?

Anne Robinson : Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant : Geronimo !

Eamonn Holmes : What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant : William Shakespeare .

Searle : In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller : Japan .
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller : Er… Mexico ?

Presenter : Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant : Barcelona .
Presenter : I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

Wright : On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant : India .

Wright : What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant : Espresso.

Wright : What is the capital of Australia ? And it's not Sydney .
Contestant : Sydney .

Judy Finnegan : The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant : True?
Judy Finnegan : No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

Paul Wappat : How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause) : Fourteen days.

Presenter : Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant : Four

Wood : What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant : Er…
Wood : It's got two syllables… Kor…
Contestant : Blimey?
Wood : Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run…
Contestant : (Silence)
Wood : OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I…
Contestant : Walked?

Daryl Denham : In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant : Holland ?
Daryl Denham : Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant : Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant : No.