The Dos and Dont’s of First Dates

“If you thought your first date as a teen was daunting, it’s nothing compared to your first date as a senior!” That comes from the horse’s mouth – and we believe it. Teens may be inexperienced and socially awkward, but they have a lot less to lose than a senior who has almost certainly invested a great deal of time, emotional energy, and bravery, in setting up a meeting (often through online-dating). So when you finally get to meet your potential partner, it pays to know what you’re doing. That’s why we’ve put together the following list of dos and don’ts to help the occasion run smoothly:

Dos

• Have a list of conversation starters in your mind – it can help if you get tongue-tied.

• Check out the net for ideas about how to interact (start with Grownups articles on ‘how to succeed socially’).

• Do a conversation dummy-run with a trusted friend, and talk with them about how the chat could be improved upon.

• Expect to feel like a 15 year old (but don’t act on it!).

• Dress in a way to make you feel confident – that way, you’ll feel relaxed enough to be yourself.

• Dress to suit your meeting place (if you want to dress smart, don’t agree to go on an urban hike!).

• Let a trusted friend or family member know where you’re meeting up, and with whom.

• Meet in a safe place where there are bound to be plenty of others about – a cafe, a gallery, or a busy park are all great meeting places.

• Pop your phone on aeroplane mode so you’re not disturbed, and give your date your full attention.

• Make allowances for your date’s nervousness (first-time meetings are seldom perfect, so their conversation may not be, either.)

• Be patient – not everyone has conversation at their finger tips, but it will arrive if you don’t fill all the gaps with your own chatter.

• Enjoy looking at, and commenting (positively) on your surroundings – it helps create space, and stimulates conversation.

• Expect to be asked about yourself – a first date isn’t all about the other person.

• Be honest but not too revealing – you don’t want to give away very personal details with someone you don’t yet know and trust.

• Ask the questions you really need too, and leave out those that can wait (this avoids your sounding ‘prying’).

• Listen – not only to the conversation, but to the emotions and feelings behind it (do your date’s comments show they’re kind, caring and considerate, or do they suggest resentment and selfishness?).

• Laugh – laughter brings out the best in both parties, and light-heartedness is a door into people’s hearts.

• Talk (a little) about your adult children, and ask about your date’s – kids are a big part of life as we grow older, and will continue to be.

• Ask open-ended questions – questions that require only a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer aren’t conducive to getting to know someone.

• Share your hopes and dreams – they’re an important part of life, and although a significant other doesn’t need to 100% share them, they do need to be encouraging.

Don’ts

• Don’t become the counsellor – it’s not your job to solve your date’s personal problems.

• Don’t reveal your financial situation – it’s not your date’s business, and it shouldn’t influence the way they view you.

• Don’t talk about your ex (except, perhaps, briefly, to help set a scene) – it’s not part of going forward.

• Don’t discuss your medical history unless it’s of relevance to you both (it can be a tedious subject for a first time date).

• Don’t ask invasive questions – keep your enquiries at a less personal level, such as: ‘Where do you enjoy holidaying?”, or ‘Do you belong to any clubs?’).

• Don’t ‘hold the floor’ – give your date space to talk about themselves, too.

• Don’t feel you need flatter your date – it’s not your job at this stage.

• Don’t complain or criticise others – negativity isn’t attractive.

• Don’t over-promote yourself – besides sounding boastful, it makes life difficult when you can’t live up to the promises you make or the scenes you set.

• Don’t reveal your insecurities – a first date isn’t the time to appear vulnerable.

• Don’t feel you need be polite if your date’s comments or behaviour are inappropriate. Simply leave.

• Don’t agree to meet up again if you are really not comfortable with the way the date has gone. Be honest but polite, and remember there is no obligation on your part.

Preparing for a first date should be enjoyable, but it’s also an important first step. Do all you can to make the most of it.