The Second Stage of Grief

Read more

Pain and Guilt

After the initial shock starts wearing off and the numb feeling that protects us after a trauma starts to melt away the pain can be almost unbearable. Heartache is a very real pain, and the dreadful feeling coming from the solar plexus which is the spot between the ribs at the centre of the chest will can feel heavy and uncomfortable.

It’s during this time that feelings of guilt will start and these can be quite irrational. Many times finding reasons for someone else’s death can take on a feeling of responsibility and the “if onlys” can start. “If only I had acted sooner”, or “if only I had listened more”, or “if only I had been there more” etc.

Also the remorse over harsh words spoken or arguments unresolved and family disputes un-mended can surface and start having an adverse effect. During this time the legal aspects of the death can be available for discussion and dispute which can lead to a horrendous amount of pressure when people are still felling ray and vulnerable. The reading of a will for example. Our relations and friends have a funny way of surprising us with bequests or otherwise. Gifts of property and money can bring on feelings of unworthiness and regret that you have inherited something at the expense of another person’s life.  Alternatively, if you have been excluded from an inheritance or bequest you can be left feeling quite bereft and lonely and sometimes angry about the decision made by the person who has died.

Life can feel quite chaotic and the future can look bleak to some people. This is the time that many people turn to alcohol, drugs ( legal or otherwise), food or some other way to make the awful feelings go away at least temporarily. If you can get through this stage and allow yourself to “fully feel” the pain, the guilt the remorse and other negative feelings that have been disrupting you life and sleep, try to bring some rational thought into the midst of all of it and start some positive affirmations to yourself that you are OK and your decisions and thoughts are totally acceptable you can start on the road to recovery.

Seek out supportive family members. If there are none, friends and neighbours can be a source of support for you. Don’t be afraid to reach out and tell people you are having a struggle. Talking things over is usually a way of getting something off your chest and “bottling up” is not the solution. Failing the kind shoulder of a friend or relative being available there are many, many resources you can seek help from. A trained counsellor can be useful to put things in perspective and offer an alternative  way of thinking about things. For the readers amongst us, there is much better choice of books on the subject of grief and loss than there were even a few years ago. Have a look on the internet if you are computer savvy and read what other people have experienced.  Above all make sure that you tell yourself over and over again that your decisions you made were based on what you felt at the time and that you did your best. We can’t rewind and re-do therefore accept what has been and gone and forgive yourself for mistakes or regrets.

Be kind to yourself, try to stay positive and focussed on your recovery. Accept your own shortcomings as part of being human. Put yourself first for a while and learn to say “no” to things or people when you get that “gut” feeling that things don’t feel right.

Take care
Love Glenda