How to Broach ‘Dementia’ With a Friend

The following is not intended as medical advice

As a friend, it’s one of the most difficult conversations you may ever have to have. But then, dementia is never a comfortable subject. Given 4 out of 5 Kiwis know, or have known, someone with dementia, chances are, at some stage in the future, you, too, will encounter a friend who suffers from this debilitating disease. As a friend, you may become aware of the early stages of dementia in someone you know well, long before their family does.

Families members often live far from each other. Even if they live in the same town, they may not be close in terms of relationship. And even if they are close in this way, people often disclose (or inadvertently give away) more about themselves to their friends than they do to each other. So, just what do you do when you become concerned a friend may have the early signs of dementia?

If you are aware of a close relationship between your friend and their family, make family your first port of call. If that’s not the case, and you need to discuss the matter with your friend, themselves, the following suggestions may help:

1.      Express your thoughts to your friend in a relaxing situation, and where direct eye contact isn’t necessary. Friends often like to go walking together, or enjoy sitting on a park bench feeding birds or eating an ice cream, and this sort of active but side-by-side arrangement can help counter any awkwardness that may arise.

2.     If your friend has expressed any concerns to you in the recent past about memory or not feeling as they usually do, use this as your starting point. Remind them of their concern, and let them know you’ve been thinking about it too (be prepared for the fact they may have no recollection of what you are referring to).

3.     Be gentle but honest in your conversation, but steer away from using the word ‘dementia’. Above all, listen carefully to your friend’s reply – they may have genuine reasons for their out-of-the-ordinary behaviour (they may be taking a new medication, for instance, or be under a lot of stress). Even if this doesn’t explain away your concerns, listening is a way of taking stress out of the conversation, and keeping in on an equal footing.

4.     If your friend is upset or unconvinced by your concerns, let time pass, and try to talk about the subject on another occasion. An opportunity may arise at an actual time when your friend displays behaviour you suspect is connected with dementia. In which case, let the moment be the catalyst for gently voicing your concern once more.

5.     If your friend is accepting of your concerns (or opens up to you about their concern for themselves), try to make a plan without being forceful. Ask if they would like you to come with them to see their GP, or to drive them to an appointment. Be prepared for the fact they may not get around to making an appointment, and be willing to gently remind them of their intention.

6.     If your friend shows no signs of wishing to check out their health with a professional, consider dropping a note to their GP practice. Don’t expect to get a reply (confidence is paramount in GP-patient relationships) but be reassured you have done your best.

If you feel alone or out of your depth with your concerns for a friend (or yourself), contact your local branch of Alzheimers New Zealand for advice. This understanding group is there to support you.