Long Pauses – and why they make us feel uncomfortable

Chances are, you’re comfortable with the way you experience conversation with others, especially close friends. Your chat has just the right amount of give and take when it comes to speaking and listening, and there’s always another subject to effortlessly move onto when one topic has been exhausted. But every now and then, you’ll encounter someone who doesn’t quite understand the ‘rules’, and whose lengthy pauses, before they respond, are anxiety provoking to the point you find yourself breaking into a sweat! You may even find yourself diving in to fill the silence before they’ve had an opportunity to reply, something this can leave you feeling guilty for dominating the conversation and not being a good listener. However, research tells us the problem isn’t with you, it’s with your partner in conversation.

All over the world, it seems, the space between one person finishing speaking, and another starting, is very similar. In the average conversation, a person talks for approximately 2 seconds before the next speaker chimes in just 200 milliseconds after they finish (if you’re trying to imagine what 200 milliseconds feels like, bear in mind that the blink of an eye lasts 300-400 milliseconds). No wonder we feel uncomfortable with a pause in conversation lasting (in some cases) up to a minute!

Of course, not all replies occur in the space of 200 milliseconds. After all, if someone has just confided in you their deepest concerns, or the fact they’ve just lost a loved one, a too-hasty reply would seem uncaring. So we’re also capable of lengthening the space before we reply in order to signal our empathy. Similarly, if a speaker has just imparted some exciting or astonishing news, that 200 millisecond gap may actually be shortened.

This ability to adapt response time, on the go, is what makes conversation pleasant and comfortable. The problem comes when someone just doesn’t have this skill, and you feel you have to do all the work. There are several ways to deal with this, and taking the pressure off yourself is one of them. Instead of breaking into a babble to fill the space, let the silence sit, but (and this is the important part), have something else to carry on with. Sure, taking out your phone and texting isn’t the way to go (this will just seem rude), but you could, for instance, in a street situation, enjoy looking at what’s going on around you. In a cafe, you can study the menu or concentrate on enjoying your coffee. If you’re at home, and you know a particular ‘silence-prone’ friend is coming to visit, have something close at hand to occupy yourself (such as knitting or stitching, peas or beans to pod, or clothes to fold). Or simply look out the window at the garden or the birds.

If the silences are too unbearable, have some generic topics up your sleeve that can be applied at any stage of the conversation (such as “So, what have you got planned this week?” or  “What’s been keeping you busy, lately?”).

Always keep in mind, when your partner in conversation is silent, they are very likely trying to frame a response or find another topic, themselves. So, while you are sweating out the gap, they are probably perfectly happy in gathering together their reply, and haven’t even noticed it!

However you ‘mind the gaps’, be kind to yourself – they are not your responsibility, and you don’t need to feel guilty about them. Above all else, you don’t need to fill them with babble you later regret!