Life’s Too Short for Put-Downs

If you thought put-downs were the domain of teens, think again. These subtle, and often not-so-subtle efforts to belittle and demean can be perpetrated by and against those of any age, and when they arrive, they can hit with such force they leave you gasping for breath and completely unprepared for how to respond. We’ve put together the following tips to help you defend yourself in the face of nastiness that, let’s face it, you’re too mature and too sensible to tolerate! But first, what exactly is a put-down, and why is it a chosen method of attack?

Rather than being a transparent form of criticism, a put-down is a more shadowy form of belittling. Designed to insult and humiliate its target by making them feel small, unimportant, silly, dramatic (insert any other demeaning adjective that feels appropriate), it is couched in such a nuanced way, retaliating can feel like punching air. Try responding without great care, and you will likely find your attacker hides behind pseudo-plausible defences such as: “I’m just having you on,” or “You’re not seriously saying I’m getting at you, are you?” To make matters worse, the put-down is almost always delivered in a public setting where, to address it, can seem to others as if you are making a mountain out of a mole-hill. But make no mistake about it, your aggressor (for that is what they are) is very aware of what they are doing. What they are unlikely to be aware of, however is what drives them to do it. Let’s dig more into their lack of knowledge about themselves.

Those who issue put-downs are usually cowardly and psychologically frail. They use their particular form of insult to build themselves up in front of others while simultaneously trying to avoid a potentially frightening response from their targets. Once you bring their behaviour into the open, and they are forced to confront it, they will almost certainly backtrack, or make such a fumbled reply they quickly lose any mana they feel they may have gained. They may even apologise. Whatever the outcome, they will certainly think twice before attacking you again. So, just how do you bring their aggression into the open?

The simplest way, is to pause, take a deep breath or two, and then ask: “What makes you say that?” or “Did you mean to be unkind?” If you want to take it up a notch, you might like to reply: “I’m not quite sure where you’re coming from?” or “What’s you’re agenda in saying that to me?” By asking open-ended, but not aggressive, questions of someone who wishes to attack and then quickly hide, you are putting your opponent in a most awkward position. Now, they must look inward, and being psychologically frail, they may be jolted into seeing their own behaviour for what it is – a weak and cowardly attack. If they do manage some sort of retort, hit back gently with another question. The art of dealing with a put-down is not to debate with your attacker, but to let them know you see through them, disapprove of their behaviour, and will not tolerate it. Turn the put-down into a psychological investigation, for that is what it deserves.

Should an apology be forthcoming, accept it, and do so graciously. In fact, don’t be afraid to actually build-up the psyche of your attacker in the hopes they may not issue a future put-down to anyone else. Building-up can be as easy as saying: “Thanks for your apology and for understanding how your comment made me feel. I appreciate it.” Those whose psyche is frail will respect you both for your perception and for not making them feel any more small and insignificant than they already do in what is likely to be numerous areas of their life.

When you respond to a put-down through genuine enquiry rather than attacking, and signal an appreciation of an apology, you walk away with your head held high, and with the respect not only of your aggressor, but from all those around you.