Independence and the Fear of Losing it

In many cultures, and indeed, in many families, a reliance on one other is something encouraged and respected. However, in today’s society, we often value independence even more highly. So much so, our ability to take care of our own health, home, and finances, is seen as a strength and anything less as a weakness. No wonder then, as we age, many of us are more concerned about our growing loss of independence, than we are of dying.

This concern can manifest itself in many ways. For example, a loss in independence can knock our confidence to the extent we wonder if we have somehow lost touch with who we really are. This loss of confidence can feel so destabilising we hesitate to embrace new and exciting opportunities. We might, for instance, turn down the invitation to join a friend on a holiday because we doubt we will be able to adapt to new surroundings or ‘pull our own weight’. We may decide we can’t attend a family wedding because we’ll ‘be a burden’ to those around us. A loss of independence can also lead to a real sense of grief as we mourn the loss of abilities we once took for granted. Typical of this, is the real sadness we may feel if we are no longer able to drive, or safely play the sport we once used to.

A loss of independence can play out in displays of anger and frustration, often directed at those who seem to be ‘taking over’ the day to day tasks we once managed with ease, or ‘dictating’ to us our limitations. We may feel resentment we’re required, for our own safety, to wear a medical alarm, or we need to delay our routine shower until there is someone else in the house to check we complete the task safely.

As small losses of independence mount up, it’s very easy to feel our self-esteem draining away, sometimes to such an extent, we withdraw from life in dramatic ways. We may stop going out to meet up with friends because we don’t want them to notice our frailties, give up our volunteer roles because we fear making mistakes, or decide we’re not capable of having the grandchildren stay overnight. Very soon, we find ourselves isolated, and our mental health taking a tumble.

Whether we’re already suffering from a loss of independence, or beginning to notice it in our friends, it’s no wonder we become concerned for our future. To anguish over these concerns, or worse still, to have them dismissed by those around us, is not helpful. What will help, however, is to address the reality of them. Once we do this, whether it’s through discussion with a trusted friend or family member, or our GP, the issues can begin to be addressed, and what at first seems insurmountable, is soon reduced in size and intensity.

We will come to see, for instance, a loss of independence is highly unlikely to be something that arrives with one huge event. Rather, it is more likely to appear in smaller ways, one at a time, often over lengthy periods, so we have time to address each issue, in a practical way, as it arises. We will also come to see a loss of independence, at least to any great extent, is not inevitable (because we can all think of examples of older people who have maintained their independence throughout their lives). Talking about our concerns with others will help us appreciate there are even advantages to small losses of independence – after all, who doesn’t welcome the opportunity for mobility parking, priority boarding on a flight, or the best seat on the bus! As we talk and learn from others’ experiences, we gain insights into how to put in place measures to help us cope with any losses of independence we might encounter.

While it’s natural to think about a future where we might lose aspects of our independence, sleepless nights and nagging anxiety is not helpful. In part 2 of our article on the fear of losing independence, we’ll dive into practical tips to help you face the future with confidence!