Grey Divorce – When Friendships Fail

Welcome to part 3 of our ‘Grey Divorce’ articles, where we take a look at divorce after the age of 50. This week, we’ll be discussing the negative reaction of friends to your divorce, and how to manage it.

Divorce may feel like a very private experience, but as with a death, its ripples carry far beyond your personal situation. Any divorce impacts the friends of those involved. However, in the case of grey divorce, there is often an even greater element of shock for those on the periphery because a divorcing couple’s friendships frequently go back many decades. As friends in your intimate circle deal with your divorce in their own way, some will be supportive. However, many will have negative reactions that, unless you are prepared, will leave you shocked, confused, and floundering. Understanding why some friends will criticize you, distance themselves from you, or even abandon you, is an important part of surviving a divorce in later life. So, let’s take a look at what’s behind their reactions:

Distancing

Negative comments about your divorce will often be the result of a friend’s personal fears. More senior couples than want to admit it, are in fragile relationships. Their own marriages may have become stale and unexciting, and are surviving only because of ‘convenience’  or financial necessity. Your decision to step aside from a similar situation may challenge them to confront their own precarious position – a challenge simply too difficult for them to contemplate. For this reason, a friend, or even a couple, may (often subconsciously) distance themselves from you. If this happens, understand it’s not about you – it’s about them.

Jealously

Divorce is far from easy, yet friends who see their own relationships lacking spark and spontaneity can mistakenly view your situation as purely one of ‘freedom’ and ‘adventure.’ It can feel like you have opportunities they don’t – something which can lead to feelings of jealously. When jealously seeps in, unkind comments slip out. Try to see these reactions for what they are, and keep being real when speaking to friends about your own situation. While there’s no need to hide your positive reactions to your divorce, let them hear the other side, too.

Fear

Senior divorce, while bringing relief, can contribute to loneliness, especially when friends exclude you from social occasions. When this happens, understand it is much more likely to be about their own fears, than about you. A friend who has, for years, entertained you and your ex as a couple, may fear the dynamics that will result if they invite you both to an occasion now you are divorced. Although well intentioned, they are assuming a parental role that is not appropriate. If you sense this is what is happening (or may happen), don’t be afraid to let your friend know you can handle any social situation calmly.

Some friends will also be afraid, now you are ‘single,’ you are a ‘threat’ to their own and others’ relationships. While this may seem irrational and even disrespectful, and it’s not up to you to alleviate their fears, it can also make sense to discuss it. Talking about it with a friend in the general (rather than personal) context of how others react to senior divorce, can help.

Abandonment

Unfortunately, losing friends after a divorce, even a senior one, is usually inevitable. Some will judge and ‘take sides,’  while others will simply gravitate towards your ex because their relationship with them, rather than you, was always the primary one. Losing friends is hard – and hurtful. Try to balance it with a sense of opportunity as, free-er than you were before, you now step out into new solo adventures, such as travel, joining clubs, or volunteering.

Some friendships will be challenged because of a divorce, and others will fall away. Accepting your feelings about this, and understanding you are not the reason for it, is paramount to navigating the future.