Little White Lies

Honesty is usually the best policy, but every now and again, within a family, white lies are told. There are many reasons. How many have you heard?

• I can’t afford it.

How you spend your money is your choice. If you choose to help out family members financially, that is entirely up – as it is if you do not choose to. Parents and grandparents sometimes fib a little when put on the spot to hand over money when they are not comfortable doing so. They may have extra money ear marked for a special trip or experience, rather than paying for their family’s financial wishes (or mistakes).

Research by financial institutions has shown that retirees in particular ‘fudge’ their true wealth in order to politely fend off family members who struggle to manage their own finances.

• I’m doing just fine.

On the other side of the coin, proud parents and grandparents may be living on fumes, but pretend that they are under control financially, when they are really almost broke. One study found some 36 percent of Americans have nothing saved for retirement – they will rely entirely on Social Security/Superannuation to live. Pride regarding finance can be a dangerous thing. Seniors have been known to cut their medications in half to make them stretch longer or not turn on the heat to save money. If you are concerned that a family member is going without, you could confront them directly, but it may be better to offer practical assistance – deliver dinners, or give gifts of petrol or other vouchers to help with regular costs.

• I’m really busy

Most adult children want to believe that their parents are living active, happy and fulfilling lives. Except when that active, fulfilling life impacts on their ability to babysit! Grandchildren can be an absolute joy, but they can sometimes be a handful, particularly as they hit their tweens and teens. Most grandparents are happy to help out with the kids, but no one likes being taken for granted. It’s a fine line and both sides need to be mindful of crossing it.

Be mindful that the work rate required to look after children can become overwhelming – as a grandparent, it is fine to say it is too much occasionally – help out as it suits you, rather than to your detriment.

• I’ve never had an accident, I’m a great driver.

That first part of that statement may be true, but it doesn’t always translate to the second. If you are concerned about the driving fitness of a loved one, seek advice from a GP. Not having had an accident doesn’t speak to how many accidents are potentially caused by their erratic driving.

Removing someone’s driver’s license is a big step, but when it is necessary, it is important for public safety, rather than just being unkind to one person. It is hard to identify when one’s own driving ability is impaired. If it’s time for “the talk,” be ready to include some practical alternatives: Should they live closer to town where they can walk to things? What public transportation is available? How will you be able to help?

• It’s just a head cold.

Head colds don’t last for three months. Bruises don’t appear without cause. Walking shouldn’t be painful. Chest pains aren’t nothing. Some people are simply doctor-adverse. They prefer an ostrich approach and just ignore symptoms.

Some are afraid of what they might find. If you are concerned about the health of a loved one, be supportive and firm. Offer to make appointments and be there as a support person – don’t bombard them with a whole lot of ‘what it might be’ scenarios – look for a solution that offers both of you peace of mind.