Phyllis Diller-isms

Comedian Phyllis Diller is known for her witty one-liners – here are a few of the best:

• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
• Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
• The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
• Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
• I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
• Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
• We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
• Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
• What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
• The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
• His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
• Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
• My photographs don’t do me justice -they just look like me.
• I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
• Tranquillisers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
• I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
• The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
• You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.