Grief – Navigating the Journey of Loss

Grief is such an all-encompassing state. Many who find themselves navigating it are weighed down, not only by their own intense sadness, but also by the concern they will never emerge from it and find happiness or moments of joy again. For those who are in this state of mind, the gap between grief and a happier state seems too vast ever to be crossed, and there is no bridge in the world to make it possible. Yet, if we stop for a moment, we can see even in the midst of grief, even in the days immediately following a loss, we are still experiencing moments of happiness. They are shared, collectively, when loved ones gather to mourn, and someone shares a memory which makes everyone in the room smile or laugh. They also arrive privately, such as when the neighbour (who you always thought was a teetotaler) calls over with a comforting pick-me-up bottle of sherry and the glasses to drink it from! Such moments are tiny clues – reminders – that the potential for happiness still exists, even at the saddest of times.

With the inkling of happiness returning, it’s also important to accept moments of lightness will not ‘drive away’ our grief. Grief is still with us and cannot be hurried away simply because we smile. It must be navigated and worked through, so, for a period of time, we must adjust to walking in two worlds: the world of grief and loss, and the world of lighter moments and happiness. The two must exist side by side, for however long it takes, and we must give ourselves permission to fully experience both without feeling, during lighter moments, we are somehow dishonouring the memory of the person we have lost.

Having said that, happiness, for those who are grieving, can sometimes feel frightening, especially as time passes, and moments of joy confront them more often. After all, their mind tells them they have no right to feel happy when their loved one has died. And they certainly have no right to continue enjoying life when their loved one has been denied this opportunity. But on a purely practical level, the opposite attitude is not sustainable. If, each time we encounter happiness, we question our right to it, we are really saying life should not exist for us, either. In which case, we are denying ourselves what our loved one would have wanted for us.

Part of being able to embrace happiness is accepting it’s not the same happiness we experienced with the one we have lost. In other words, we are building for ourselves a new way of enjoying the world. For many, this transition occurs naturally as time passes, but others must work hard to re-engage with the world on a joyful level. Taking steps to do this can include spending more time than we used to with other family members and friends – whether through social outings or by helping them in loving ways (this can be an almost forgotten art for those who have spent long periods – even years – caring for the one they have lost). It can mean actively seeking out pleasurable activities, setting achievable and fulfilling goals (whether it’s making a garden or knitting for a grandchild). It can mean volunteering in order to bring joy to others (which inevitably brings happiness to oneself). It can mean giving ourselves treats (such as a holiday or a new item of clothing).

Above all, as grief loses its intensity, and eventually fades into the background of our lives, we can be comforted in the knowledge we can be there for others when they lose a loved one; reminding them to have hope, and it is not only OK to feel happy, but essential. Because enjoying happiness does not mean your loved one is forgotten – merely that you have learned to balance loss with life.

Those who are concerned for themselves or others facing the difficult journey of loss, can find avenues for support at Healthify Te Puna Waiora.