Caring for Elderly Parents in the ‘In-Between Years’ (Part 1)

Hop onto the internet, and the sites dedicated to caring for frail and elderly parents is mind-bogglingly extensive. The lists of available social services, top-up benefits, and professional medical support is all there. So what can possibly go wrong – even if you’re in your retirement years when called on to care for your parents? What can (and very often does) go wrong, is almost no one talks about the ‘in-between years’ – the period when your elderly parent doesn’t yet qualify for formal assistance but still requires a daunting amount of help to live independently in their own home. It’s these years – and they can be many – when any adult child (but especially one in the retirement age-bracket) feels the heavy physical and emotional toll of caring for a very elderly parent.

If you find yourself in a situation where your ageing parent requires increasingly more assistance to remain independent, but doesn’t yet qualify for formal assistance (such as home-help or a disability payment to employ a gardener), there are many practical suggestions which will go a long way to easing your burden. We’ll deal with these suggestions in Part 2 of “Take a load off …” That’s because, if you intend following them, you first need to take some important steps. Read on to find out what some of them are:

Adjust your mindset

Talk to your parent (if necessary, alongside a medical professional such as their GP) about their plans for the future. You may be assuming your parent wishes to live independently in their own home when, in fact, they would prefer to transition into a supported living situation.

If they wish to remain in their own home, talk together about how you can both help this to happen.

Your aim is to reduce your parental responsibilities to a minimum so you can, as much as possible, remain a loving son or daughter rather than a ‘carer.’ In order to do this, there will be a call on your parent’s finances. While no family member should expect an inheritance from a parent, many do. Be prepared to discuss with family members the costs involved in helping your parent remain independent for as long as they wish to.

Many of the tasks of caring for your parent can be managed remotely, which means even if you are the only family member living close to your parent, others (for example your siblings) can share in the workload. Be prepared to talk to family members about shared responsibility, and make a list of those who are willing to help.

Logistics

If your parent doesn’t yet have Powers of Attorney in place, help them to set these up. They will be invaluable now and in the future.

Establish an online digital calendar (such as Google) dedicated to your parent’s care, and share it with all those who will be involved in providing support. That way, all helpers can be advised of appointments etc, and clashes can be avoided.

If your parent no longer drives, but still owns a car (especially if they live in a rural setting), give serious thought to keeping that car in their garage and updating its registration and W.O.F. as required. Despite this cost, the vehicle can provide numerous benefits. These include reducing travel costs when a helper drives your parent to appointments.

Financial accessibility

Although several supporters will be involved in your parent’s care, it can be wise if only one of these trusted people deals with paying invoices. This will be the person your parent is happy to share their bank account access with (often the best person for this job is the one who is your parent’s nominated financial power of attorney).

When preparing to implement practical suggestions for helping care for your parent, don’t be tempted to treat the tasks above as an exhaustive list of ‘to-do’s.’ That’s because every older person, and every family, is different. However, by doing your background homework thoroughly, you will soon be in a position to start supporting your parent while also caring for yourself.

Look out for Part 2 of “Take a load off …” when we’ll take a close look at how responsibility for an elderly parent can be shared and reduced.