You’re Never Too Old…

Courtesy of My Generation.

It probably won’t be as rollicking as it was in the Woodstock days, but most of us should be able to enjoy a healthy sex life right into our eighties, writes ROBYN YOUSEF

Sex therapist Joan Lust (and yes, she’s had all the jokes and is quite over them but the name has “served her well”) has many encouraging words for those in their fifties, sixties and onward who want to maintain an active and satisfying sex life.

Lust became one of New Zealand’s first sex therapists in Wellington in the seventies.

“I had trained to be a marriage guidance counsellor and was aware many of the couples I worked with had good relationships but sexual differences. When the late Dr Athol Abrahams returned from studies in the US to launch the first sexual dysfunction clinic, I heard him speak, and realising this was the ‘missing link’ , I applied to him for training.”

Lust eventually joined Dr Abrahams in private practice as a co-therapist and then went on to train marriage guidance counsellors throughout New Zealand.

Lust, who moved to Auckland in 1987 and is now semi-retired believes the combination of marriage counselling and psychotherapy, gave her a real edge in helping couples. “You cannot separate sexuality from a relationship,” she says.

“When people are aged over 50, usually their sexual desires decrease and activity tones down a bit. But with some couples their sex lives experience a real upturn. Women feel a certain freedom after menopause with pregnancy worries long gone and usually the children have left home too, so the couples are alone without family constraints for the first time in years.”

Middle age, however, does raise some problems in the sexual arena for both men and women. “For women menopause and with its loss of oestrogen can result in vaginal dryness with real discomfort during intercourse and subsequent loss of desire. But this can be helped.”

Lubricating creams and gels are available through pharmacies and supermarkets without a prescription (these do vary in efficacy – see side story), although women with serious issues should consult their GPs.

“Anything oestrogen-based must be obtained through a doctor. And while hormone replacement treatment does not suit all, it works very well for some women with these problems.”

For men in this age group it’s quite normal that their erections are not as strong as they were when they were in their 20s. Lust thinks it is a great shame some men believe their sex life is then over and will not discuss these issues with a professional.

“It’s quite devastating for a man as often this represents his maleness and feeling of self-worth. Anxiety can be the cause of a loss of erections and this can particularly be the case for men after failed marriages or for widowers who haven’t had sex for a few years. They can be very anxious that they will not be able to perform in a new relationship and this anxiety can lead to impotence.

“It’s important for men to realise that erection problems are very common as they get older. They also have to appreciate that the brain is the most important sexual organ and so they have to address their concerns.”

Lust believes that couples must talk about their sexual problems. “Often if there is no loving intimacy, resentment can result. But a healthy sex life doesn’t always have to involve intercourse or both reaching orgasm. “Pleasure should be the goal and not orgasm. If they experience pleasure, they can’t fail.”

There are still couples who find it difficult to discuss their conflicts over sexual issues. Problems surrounding sexuality life can exacerbate other difficulties, making some contentious issues tricky or impossible to sort. A healthy and satisfying sex life can have an overall positive effect on the dynamics of a relationship.

“Some people also feel they don’t have the language to talk about sexual problems, but find it helps with professional therapists because we provide the language they find comfortable,” Lust says.

For men, a medical investigation before they start the therapy process is important. “This is because a number of physical conditions (particularly as a result drinking too much alcohol, taking sedative drugs or smoking tobacco) can contribute to erection problems.”

And Lust is an advocate for the use of medication for erectile dysfunction – in the right circumstances and if prescribed medically and not bought over the Internet. There can be some complications when these meds are mixed with others and so a proper medical referral is important.  Jack Nicholson’s character in the movie Something’s Gotta Give” about mature love moved very quickly when he discovered he’d mixed his little blue pill with other meds and the result could have been fatal.

“These pills may take away that fear of failure and will possibly add confidence. I believe it is good for use in a new relationship until the couple feel comfortable together. Very often, the man then discovers he no longer needs the medication.”

For women, body image is a major issue in starting a new relationship in latter years. ”Things have fallen and drooped – they’re certainly not where they were when they were in their 20s and women worry about their appearance.” Lust once again advocates that couples should communicate and share their fears. “Most likely he’ll be complimentary and there just won’t be a problem.”

Internet porn can be very dangerous for a relationship, according to Lust. “Pornography on the Internet can be very damaging for a relationship if it becomes the most important outlet for one partner.”

But good old-fashioned fantasy is definitely a goer. If your imagination morphs the male in the bedroom into George Clooney or Robson Green or the female into Angelina Jolie or that crumpet-for-the-older-thinking-male, Candice Bergen, that’s all fine if it works for you both and fires up the passion. “Sharing fantasies is useful.”

Lust also believes sex toys can work well for older couples as long as both partners are comfortable. “There should never be a control issue such as one partner insisting the other do something they are not at ease with.”

Creating a romantic atmosphere is also very important. Swap tatty underwear with something a little glamorous or exotic (that applies to men too) and apply sexy cologne or perfume before you slip between beautiful sheets that have been perfumed with a linen spray. The sex therapist also recommends burning scented candles for ambience and having body lotions available for massages.

Ah, but there is a word of warning for mature types wanting a good sex life. “Don’t wait until you’re too tired – go to bed before you get exhausted and need to sleep!”