Grief – Universal Yet Individual

By the time you reach retirement age, you are probably already familiar with the loss of loved ones. Yet grief has the ability to hit as hard the fifth or sixth time round as it did with the first loss. That’s because those we love are individuals and we love them as such. And as we let them go, we mourn the loss of each and every aspect of them that was special and specific to the relationship we shared with them. What’s more, grief can envelop us, not only through the death of a significant other, but in the loss of a pet, a home, a job, our health, or the health of someone we love.

Although grief is specific to each individual, it can help to understand almost everyone who experiences it, encounters a similar set of ‘symptoms.’ Once we understand this, we can often find comfort in knowing we are not alone in our suffering. Symptoms which commonly arrive with the onset of grief include, among others, denial, anger, regret, loneliness, and in time, acceptance. That’s not to say everyone who encounters grief will experience these ‘stages,’ and if we don’t, it’s not that we are failing in some way. In fact, some symptoms of grief may never materialise, while others may arrive and stay for just a short period, or linger for longer than anticipated. What’s important to note, is when a symptom of grief affects us to a concerning degree (such as when we are no longer able to find pleasure in any aspect of daily life, or do not wish to meet with others, or are unable to care for ourselves in basic ways such as dressing and cooking), it is time to seek professional help.

It’s also important to understand grief arrives at different times for different mourners. Those who tend to plan ahead more than others may find themselves grieving a loss before it actually happens. This in no way reduces the suffering grief brings, or assists in escaping the ‘symptoms’ of grief. Rather, the grief is real, but it is being experienced in a different time frame.

Those who experience ‘anticipatory grief,’ often have to work hard to enjoy the time they still have with the person, animal, or situation the loss itself will eventually bring. When the loss does arrive, it may have a reduced impact because of having been prepared for  in advance. When this is the case, it can be hard for others to understand why someone who is bereaved is as composed as they are. Those who experience anticipatory grief can find comfort in telling others, at the time, they are going through this. Or by communicating at the time of the actual loss, they have already gone far in processing the loss before it occurred. Communication helps all those who are involved.

Perhaps one of the most disconcerting aspects of grief is it can be delayed. If you are the sort of person who is often viewed by others as being highly capable, it may be that your initial reaction to loss is to keep occupied with practicalities: making arrangements, dealing with financial implications, supporting others. There are other reasons for delayed grief, too. The shock of a loss can set in motion an emotional numbness which, no matter how hard you try, will leave only in its own time. If this is the case, try to accept your feelings will return in their own time. And when they do, you will actually find comfort in being able to mourn as you have wanted to. Once again, communicating to others (whether friends, family, or a professional such as your GP), what you are experiencing, is key to finding the help you need.

Grief, in its many forms and different time-frames, is a universal experience. Which means you will always find others who understand what you are going through. There is no need to face it alone.