Divorce is for Grown Ups

Very few people have a great divorce. By definition, the end of marriage means there is pain, betrayal, anger and miscommunication.

It is important however, during any highly emotional situation to be the best person you can be. You need to be an adult to get married, and you most certainly need to behave like one during a divorce.

Beware ultimatums

When you and your spouse decide to divorce, it won’t feel equal. It won’t feel fair. It won’t feel good. Perhaps there has been infidelity, perhaps there has been endless fighting or abuse, perhaps you are just going in different directions.

It is crucial however, just to breathe. Don’t be hasty. Don’t make rash decisions, declarations or moves that cannot be undone, however right you feel you are.

The bare, cold truth is that everyone is a bit at fault. People in happy marriages with great communication don’t cheat or want to divorce. The sooner you realize your part in the breakdown of the relationship, the sooner you will stop blaming and hurling accusations. It can be extremely painful to realise you contributed, even unwittingly to the end of a marriage. It can also be extremely liberating to acknowledge your part and learn something new.

Communicate

It is easy to behave badly during a divorce, whether you are the party wronged or doing the wronging. Beware of letting strangers run your divorce. No matter how painful it is, seek out the root cause of the relationship breakdown and sort it out between yourselves. Forgive. Accept. Come out a healthier and more rounded human being who will succeed at future relationships, rather than bitter and twisted.

Legal advice is necessary. What is not is leaving all communication to lawyers and emails. It is costly and childish. You love each other once, enough to build a life together. For that fact alone, respect your former spouse and endeavor to keep the lines of communication open.

Counselling, both as couples and individuals can be a godsend. One of you may be more receptive, depending on the circumstances, but do whatever is necessary to be constructive in your dealing with one another.

Take time

It takes a lot of time and commitment to learn to forgive and change old patterns. You may stumble many times along the way. You will make mistakes. Do not expect a piece of paper, a legal agreement or a meeting to solve everything. It may take months or years. 

Keep it as private as possible

Friends and family are inevitably affected by divorce. Remember however, that no one knows your spouse like you. People have loved him or her and should never be expected to negotiate on your behalf. Allow friendships to continue freely and don’t ask people to choose sides. Tempting as it may be when you are hurt, it is not fair. 

You absolutely have the right not to be put together in a social situation with your former spouse, but be prepared to be the one who steps away if you can’t handle it. In time, you may be able to.

Try something new

Assess yourself. Are you being stubborn? Are you being vindictive? Are you just plain terrified of what is to come? All divorcing couples have been there. Allow yourself to feel sad, hurt, lonely, humiliated and broken. 

But equally, allow for the possibility that one day, if you work hard to be reasonable, that things will improve. You may be friendly again. You will learn to live a new life. And you may be able to help others with your experience.