Ten Relationship Rules

Article extracted from Closer to Love by Vex King, Macmillan, RRP $39.99

Rule One: Keep doing the little things

The early days of a romantic relationship are full of intense energy highs and the desire to please. We shower our new mate with gifts, cute texts, treat them to foot massages, and whisper sweet nothings in their ear.

Complacency can breed apathy and eventually discontent, so be more involved on a daily basis. I’m not saying start base-jumping together or splurge on expensive gifts. It’s more about the multiple nuances that show you care – what you say, how you say it, your gestures, and your ability to stay open. Think about what pleases your partner and if you are nurturing those needs or ignoring them.

Rule Two: Disagree fairly

You are bound to have disagreements with your partner, and these bumps in the road aren’t all bad. Not seeing eye to eye on everything is a sign of two unique individuals who are challenging each other’s perspective and will. This can be a healthy dynamic which helps you to learn and grow: not everything has to be a battle of wills about who’s right and who’s wrong.

Here are some tips for having a productive disagreement and resolving conflict:

• Mirror the complaint: ‘So, what you’re saying is . . .’
• Take responsibility for what you did or said that is upsetting your partner
• Focus on the topic and resist the urge to bring up past events

With your body language, avoid:

• Rolling your eyes
• Crossing your arms
• Looking around the room or at distractions

Rule Three: Honour intimacy

There are multiple layers of intimacy within any relationship. Some are physical and others emotional. When you feel intimate with someone, you are able to share your true self with them, no mask attached. This non-judgemental safe space is where relationships are deeply nurtured.

•  Make a point of showing you care
• Be curious about each other without being pushy
• Share stories and experiences
• Make it playful
• Spend time with each other
• Show physical affection
• Discuss intimacy

Rule Four: Do the dishes

This is more about establishing balance in a relationship and doing your bit to keep things on an even keel. You’d be amazed at how many couples squabble over such mundane tasks as whose turn it is to wash the dishes, take out the trash, cook, clean the car, pay the bills, and so on.

Believe me, it’s not the dishes causing the problem most of the time. They are simply the tip of the iceberg. When you don’t take your turn, pull your weight, or fail to carry out something you said you were going to do, it can be interpreted by your partner as not caring about them. They may believe that if they can’t rely on you to do a simple task, they won’t be able to depend on you when something more serious comes up.

Rule Five: Have the hard talks

If you want to deepen your relationship with your partner, you have to be prepared to hang out the dirty linen. How else can you really get to know each other? You can only dance around each other’s flaws and/or incompatibilities for so long. It’s best to get real with one another right away, although it can be a painful process. Nevertheless, through it, you will both learn more about yourselves and come out of it with a stronger sense of love and understanding, and discover the processes required to meet each other in the middle.

Rule Six: Never compare

When you start a new relationship, you could be tempted to compare the person in front of you now with someone from your past: an old flame, ex-wife/husband/partner. Although it’s kind of natural to do so, it isn’t in your best interests. First of all, no two people are alike, so setting your past experience with someone as a yardstick by which everyone else will be judged is just wrong. Secondly, whatever went on with you in the past should stay in the past. You might have learned some lessons, but if these prevent you from moving forward, it’s going to be hard to make any new relationship work.

Rule Seven: Have a plan

Most people walk, stumble, or fall into a relationship without any kind of plan or strategy. That might sound OK to you, because we’re not talking about a business adventure or military operation, right? Actually, we kind of are, if you think about it. Knowing what possible obstacles you might come up against and how to avoid them isn’t a bad thing – it gives you greater ability to handle them when they arise.

Rule Eight: Hold space

This is very much a continuation of the previous point. When I talk about holding space, I mean allowing for multiple realities and perspectives to be present. I mean honouring your needs and those of your partner while building trust and reliability.

Some of the ways in which you can practise holding space include:

• Listening deeply.
• Practising loving kindness.
• Making room for your partner.
• Freeing yourself from the urge to fix everything.

Rule Nine: Friendship first

Friendship means being connected to someone emotionally and psychologically and can definitely bring a lot of benefits to your health and wellbeing. Just knowing you have a trusted friend to rely on, someone you enjoy being with, who you get along with really well, is invaluable. If you are fortunate enough to have a partner who is also your best friend, then all the better. But that needs to grow over time if you weren’t already friends beforehand.

Rule Ten: Prioritise personal growth

One major step along any path of personal evolution, emotional healing, and spiritual growth is the realisation that we cannot control the external world. Our power lies in our ability to respond to it.

When you are healthy and happy, it is easier to deal with your relationship. If your partner is healthy and happy too, you can build a loving and thriving relationship together.