Getting the friendships we want

You cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people you choose to be around.”

Have you been seeing a lot of stories recently about the importance of social connections and the need for friends around us? Most of the commentary refers to the evidence about the need to have supportive people around us and how that is likely to lead greater happiness and a higher quality life.

It is always useful to take a good look at the friendships we spend our energy on and what we are looking for in friendships. For some of us this may mean creating some new friends and turning our backs on some others. Today I would like to talk about how we recognize what a draining relationship looks like. For such friendships can destroy our own well-being and quality of life.

Here are some characteristics to look for in order to identify a draining relationship.

Negativity – Does the other person have a lot of trouble seeing the bright side of things? When talking with you do they seem to focus more on the problems and less on the solutions?

Indifference – How equal is this friendship? Do you feel that you are you always there for them, but you can’t really count on them in your times of need? This may come across as disinterest or they may constantly redirect the conversation to their own problems and struggles. It is equally important to be listened to and be able to listen.

Jealousy – One step further than indifference is jealousy. They may downplay your achievements and successes or brush them off as not important. Is the other person truly happy for you and your achievements? Or are they stuck in a place of not feeling like they have enough themselves?

Manipulation – Are they are only nice or available when they need your help? Do they know how to easily push the right buttons to get what they want from you?

Gossip – Do they like to gossip about other people? If they talk in a negative way about others behind their backs, can you be sure they would not do the same to you?

Insincerity – Do they fain support or interest, but once you’re not together, that interest fades quickly? Do you find that they do not remember things you told them about your life next time you meet? It may be that they tend to have a hard time focusing on and retaining information that doesn’t directly involve them.

Unavailability – Do they expect you to be available when they need you, but are rarely available or present when you are the one in need?

Influence –Do they encourage you, whether directly or indirectly, to make bad decisions? This may come directly through peer pressure, or they may influence your choices when you are together in a more subtle way by not being open to healthier suggestions or compromises.

The importanc of letting go

If we are not feeling satisfied with some part of our life, mental health, or happiness, it is useful to take a good look at our friendships. This is an area where it may be time to take that leap into the unknown, by fostering friendships that nourish us and turning our backs on ones that are emotionally draining to us.

In the future I would like to talk about some of the ways we can let such friendships go.
Please let me know your thoughts and opinions.

Ron Tustin