How to Apologise Meaningfully

In case you hadn’t heard, one of our national characteristics is ‘saying sorry.’ We’re forever doing it, even when it’s not required. In fact, we have only to step into a shop and we’re apologising for having interrupted the attendant behind the counter! No wonder when it comes to making a meaningful apology for something we seriously regret and wish to put right, we are often at a loss for how to go about it. If this sounds like you, here are some ways to make an apology that will be received with acceptance, and which will very likely be met with understanding and forgiveness.

Skip ‘casual’

If you feel you need to apologise, it’s probably for a very good reason.  So, even if you intend apologising to your closest buddy, colleague, or family member, take time out to formally make it happen. Instead of breezing into the house/workplace and casually dropping the apology into the conversation, arrange a time to meet. It could be you invite the person out to coffee, or you make a time to call by. If the latter, it may be that you arrange for someone else to take over the offended party’s duties while you make your apology (such as grandad looking after the grandchild while you make your peace with your daughter-in-law).

Explain and listen

Before you make your apology, explain clearly the way in which you feel you have transgressed or overstepped the mark. As you do so, be absolutely sure you are not, in any way, attributing any of the blame to the offended party or minimising your actions. After you’ve explained, listen (without interrupting) to what the offended party has to stay. Part of restoring the relationship is understanding how your behaviour has affected them.

Accept

As well as being a nation of ‘sorry-sayers,’ we are also a nation of minimisers. We tend to brush off our own achievements, and very often the harm done to us by others. So, if, once you begin explaining what it is you want to apologise for, the offended party begins excusing or minimising your actions, allow them their say, acknowledge how they feel, and be grateful for their understanding. But also be sure to turn the blame back on yourself. You might gently say something along the lines of: “I appreciate what you’re saying, and thank you for that. However, I also feel I’m very much in the wrong, in this case, and I want to apologise for what I said/did.” Do this, and you’ll find the offended party will be more able to genuinely accept your apology.

Offer compensation

Apologising is admirable (as long as we learn from it), but it’s also not enough in itself. A true apology demands something extra from us – it requires compensation for the hurt done. Compensation can be in the form of an assurance such as: “I’ve really learnt my lesson from this experience, and I guarantee you it won’t ever happen again.” It can also be in the form of an action or payment, such as: “I realise my dog caused damage to your garden, and I’d like to repair, or pay, to have the damage repaired, if you’ll allow me to.” If your offer of compensation is rejected, accept this with grace. Perhaps one of the most difficult forms of compensation you can offer is to let others know you were in the wrong. For instance, you might say: “I realise others at the family dinner heard what I said to you, and I just want you to know I’m going to see them, too, to tell them I was entirely out of order, and that I’ve apologised to you.”

Understand and move on

Apologising is no guarantee an apology will be accepted. If it isn’t, give it time. Often, the offended party will come back to you at a later date to say they accept your apology. Or it may be, next time you meet, they are warm to you (a sign they have accepted your apology even if they haven’t voiced it). But if an offended party decides to keep their distance, it is something you will have to bear. The most important thing is you have done your best to make amends. Now it is time to move on with your own life.

In a nation of ‘sorry-sayers,’ don’t be lulled into thinking a casual ‘sorry’ is enough in a situation which truly demands more. Take responsibility for your actions, and restore that all-important relationship!