How to Make Friends With Your Adult Kids

Many of us have deeply satisfying relationships with our grown-up kids. They come and go from our homes, alone or with their friends or their own families; they phone or text with their news and views and their ups and downs, and even occasionally ask us how we’re doing, too! Sadly, though, there are just as many parents whose relationship with their adult kids is fraught with difficulty, and even trauma. So what’s the secret to having a healthy relationship with your adult child? We took a look to find out, and here’s what we discovered:

Listen more, advise less

You spent years managing their play dates, seeing them through scrapes, and holding their hands over broken hearts. However, now your child is an adult, it’s time to hand over the reins – to them! When they come to you (as they will) with the same old problems, it doesn’t mean they want you to solve them. This time round, all they usually require is a listening ear. So unless they specifically ask for your advice, don’t offer it. And even if they do ask, it may well be better if you ask them to articulate what they themselves feel is the best solution. Your role has changed from counsellor to confidant, and if you overstep the boundary, you will only drive your adult child away.

Delight in the difference

You and your adult child are two completely different people. You may look alike, you may even have some of the same mannerisms, but the chances of you agreeing on many of the big things in life (politics, money-matters, and relationships) are few. And that’s great – you’ve succeeded in raising an individual capable of their own independent thoughts. So, instead of trying to bring your adult child to heel so their opinions match your own, revel in the difference. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but it does mean you need to quit trying to persuade them they’re wrong. If you do, they’ll quit sharing with you.

Make a date

Having your adult kids breeze in and out of your home is great, but if you want quality time together, it’s best to plan it – and it’s likely to be you that will need to suggest the date. A meet-up can be as simple as a lunchtime coffee or a brunch, or it could be an activity you both enjoy, such as a hike or a game of golf. Whatever it is, be sure it allows time for chat as well as activity.

Respect ‘the relationship’

If you enjoy your adult kid’s partner, you’re in luck. But if you have reservations, keep them to yourself. For starters, relationships come and go, but if you voice your negativity about a partner who then becomes ‘the one,’ your comments will forever be there as a wedge between you and your child. If you don’t have something positive to say about your adult child’s significant other, say nothing.

 Respect physical distance

You can love your adult kids with words as well as physical touch, but be mindful of which they prefer. Your grown son may be happy with a hug but not with a kiss. Your daughter may greet or farewell you with a peck on the cheek but not welcome a bear hug. Preferences for physical contact between a parent and a child can be different, and can also change over time. Be spontaneous, but not to the point where you make your adult kids uncomfortable.

To cultivate a happy, healthy relationship with your grown-up kids, be available but tread lightly and listen-up!