Handling Grandparents

I’ve just returned from a fascinating trip to China.

With a one-child policy enforced since the 1980s, each child is the sole offspring of a couple and the only grandchild of four grandparents. In fact the grandparents do the lion’s share of raising little kids while the parents work.  It was lovely to see the parks full of doting older people and little children.

But it does lead to problems. Just like parents here, Mums and Dads in China are keen to embrace progressive modern ideas on parenting but they find they are being over-ruled by the child’s grandparents.  Parents complained especially that their parents were spoiling their children and over-feeding them. Perhaps the problem is more acute in China but it is not an uncommon one here in New Zealand as well.  We love our parents, we acknowledge they did a pretty good job of raising us, we are grateful for their support but we would like them to be mindful of our right to decide how best to raise our children. How do you get that across without offending them? It’s tricky.

I suggest rather than challenging what they are doing, instead, ask their advice. You’ll score Brownie points because they will be genuinely honoured that you’ve asked.  You can then respond with, “Oh, because I read…”  or “I was told…” and you put up your own view. Because you asked for advice, the discussion is idea versus idea, not you versus your parent. Then thank them and say, “I think we’ll do it this way for a while and see how that works out”: you are treating them as a part of the team, not the competition.

It is tricky, but one final thing to hold in your head that seemed to help the Chinese: both Chinese and western culture teaches us that we should all honour and respect our parents, but only children need to obey their parents. There’s a difference: we all honour, but only children need to obey.  As a parent now yourself your higher calling is to the welfare of your children. Ask your parents advice, thank them, and then do what you believe to be the best thing.

By the way, I envy anyone with this problem. Both my Mum and Dad were dead before my kids were born, and I miss them like heck. I still honour them.

For more, check out theparentingplace.com