Family carers

Families take care of each other. As we all get older, there is often a time when extra care is required. At that point, there are a number of questions which need to be answered as a family.

Firstly, what level of care is required – can your loved one cope in their own home with additional support (eg meals, help with cleaning or showering), is the best plan to have them live in another family member’s home, or do they need more specialised care?

If moving them in with you is the answer, then you are in good company – nearly 70% of adults aged 40-59 expect to care for an ageing parent or relative in their home.

Caring for another person is a big commitment, and needs to be carefully considered. The whole extended family needs to be involved – the quickest way to ensure ‘caregiver burnout’ is to leave the task to just one person. It can also create resentment among adult siblings.

Within your family, ask the following:

• What are the person’s needs going to be – physically, emotionally, financially and practically? It is easy to make an offer in the midst of a crisis, but long-term, is this a sensible solution for everyone involved?
• Is there enough space in your home and time in your schedule to accommodate another person – the effort it costs can be far more than the financial cost. Be realistic. Is your home set up for a less mobile person? Do they wander? How will they spend their days if you are out at work? You need to have a respite plan for yourself as a caregiver – it is simply not practical to think you will be available round the clock, 365 days a year.
• Why are you considering moving them to your home – are they lonely, ill or is it something else? If their behaviour is becoming erratic, or they are not taking such good care of themselves, there may be an underlying health condition which needs more than TLC. Check with a health professional.
• Are they open to the idea of living with you? An unwilling houseguest can quickly outstay their welcome – make sure the person in question is included in discussions and offered the opportunity to have their day.
• Have you looked into the support which is available and can help you? There are many agencies who can offer practical support – asking for help shouldn’t be viewed as laziness or disinterest – it takes specialist skills to care for older people.
• What are your deal breakers? If your loved one becomes immobile, incontinent, unable to contribute financially, or generally difficult, what will the next step be? At what stage will you have to review the care arrangements? Set these expectations out clearly, so that everyone currently living in the home is comfortable with the ground rules. Also, ensure that everyone currently living in the household is on board with the plan. Never assume – even children and teenagers will be affected, and probably deserve to have a say.
• Are you prepared for your relationship to change to one of a caregiver, as opposed to simply a son, daughter or relative? Discuss potential changes to the relationship with an expert in aged care, so you can think them through and anticipate any common issues.
• Do you have a roster for other family members to contribute? As mentioned earlier – if family care is being considered, the whole family should contribute to an extent. Be very clear and put expectations and commitments in writing.

Remember overall, that in-home care is about love – it should be undertaken with good grace, and open heart and a sound plan. Take all the time you need to become well informed so that the arrangement benefits everyone.