Divorce – How to Break it to Your Adult Children

Welcome to part 2 of our ‘Grey Divorce’ articles, where we take a look at divorce after the age of 50. This week, we’ll be discussing some of the implications for divorcees as they break the news of their impending separation, to their adult children.

A divorce in later life can pose significant challenges, both emotionally and physically, and these challenges are likely to be quite different to those experienced by younger separating couples. To begin with, an older couple’s children are likely to be young adults or have partners and families of their own. While much is written about the reaction of young children to divorce, it’s important to acknowledge adult children will also be deeply affected when their parents separate. So in order to preserve your relationship with your grown-up kids, you must be prepared to listen to how they feel.

Take the time to answer their questions, but as you do, spare them the sort of details that might make them feel uncomfortable (such as those about you and your husband’s non-existent sex life, or your daily rows). Just because you and your children are both adults, doesn’t mean they want to have the same relationship with you as they do with their contemporaries.

Avoid seeking emotional support from your adult children. Turn to your trusted friends or a professional counsellor to get you through the difficult times. Never attempt to manipulate your children into ‘choosing sides.’  Not only will you be putting them in an uncomfortable situation, but you may well risk damaging your relationship with them.

One of the biggest concerns many adult children of separating couples have, is how special occasions will be managed (in this respect, adult children often regress, emotionally). Will you still all celebrate Christmas and birthdays together; how will their forthcoming graduation, marriage, or the birth of a grandchild play out? Although it may seem far too soon for you to be considering such potential complexities, it is not too soon for your adult child. You will not have all the answers then and there, of course, but you can provide them with the general reassurance you want every family occasion to be amicably managed, and you will always be there for them.

If your adult children have children of their own, they will be even more concerned about them than they are about themselves. At this stage, it can be helpful to agree with your adult child about how the grandchildren will be informed of their grandparents divorce. If you, your partner, and your adult children are all on the same page, the outcome will be better for all.

While emotional issues come first, the divorce of older parents can also affect adult children financially. While no adult child has the right to expect financial help from their parents, there may have been assumptions (or even promises) made by parents which can no longer be met (or at least not to the same extent). Assistance with paying off student debt, a first home loan, the cost of a wedding… Providing your adult child with this sort of financial help may no longer be possible if you divorce, and the sooner you can talk about it honestly with them, the better.

You may be surprised by the fact your adult child will also want to talk to you about the welfare of your soon to be ex-partner – who will look after them now you no longer plan to be there? How will they manage without you? Won’t they be lonely? Although these are likely to be concerns you no longer feel are your responsibility, do your best not to be blunt about it with your adult child. If you do, you will only come across as hurtful rather than what you are really trying to do – which is take care of yourself in difficult circumstances. Instead, acknowledge their caring concern for what it is without having to be the one to provide the solutions.

Divorce for seniors is difficult to navigate, and having your adult children around you as you go through the challenges means everything. Watch over their feelings as you navigate the future, so you are always there for each other.