Caregivers Need Care Too

Families can be large, complex things. Firstly we care for our children and give them all our love and attention. Then they leave and we look forward to a new focus. And then along can come 'life', and you may find yourself caring for a sick loved one, and your whole life changes again.

If you find yourself in the role of caregiver, it is important to continue to care for yourself as well – as with children; if you don’t take reasonable care of yourself, you won’t be able to take proper care of a loved one.

Carers can shoulder an enormous burden; it is a job that is usually too much of any one person, so do not be afraid to ask for help. Fortunately in New Zealand there are a wide range of services available to support caregivers, if only they ask. Your first port of call should be your (or the patient’s) GP. In the initial stages of illness, many families feel ‘they will cope,’ or ‘they should be able to look after one of their own.’ While this is an admirable attitude, the realities of other family responsibilities and work commitments can combine to make things overwhelming. 

No carer is an island

Caring for another person, particularly if they are significantly unwell, is too big a job for most people. Logistically, helping them to shower or dress may be physically difficult for you both. Practically, staying at home all the time is not sustainable. Energetically, it takes a lot. Arrange a roster within a family and stick to it. If certain family members are unable or unwilling to help, seek the support of professional and public services. It may be hard to ask for help in the first instance, or the patient may be unhappy about the change, but long term, a sustainable routine is best.

It is easy for old family resentments to rear their heads in a stressful situation. Communicate clearly with all members of the family (someone needs to take the lead, but not assume all the burden of care) and have regular updates – send an email after medical appointments so that everyone is informed and decisions are made in an informed fashion.

Try and minimise the emotion. Hard decisions may have to be made. Look at the situation today. If it is no longer practical for the patient to live in their home; what are the options? Seek advice and resist going into old patterns, ‘nobody ever listens to me – she always liked you best – it is cruel to take their home away.’ Change is hard, but sometimes necessary.

Keep yourself alive and well too

It is easy to pour all your time and attention onto a sick person you love. However, your life, hobbies, work and friends still have value. Don’t forget who you are and what is also important to you. They are rewarding and valuable and necessary. Take time where you need it, so you can be a good carer as well. 

Join a support network – and find a mentor

A support group can be a great source for encouragement and advice from others in similar situations. Look for a mentor, someone who has walked down this path before you and knows which shortcuts to take. Being prepared for what is ahead goes a long way toward keeping things from spinning out of emotional control.

Learn what care actually entails

Organisations such as the Red Cross and the Alzheimer's Association offer classes on caregiving, and local hospitals may have classes specifically about the disease your loved one is facing. This should include financial, legal, and medical professionals, a geriatric care manager, a provider of in-home care and local resources within your community that you can call on for errands, meals, rides.

Look for the silver lining

Caregivers, take a bow. Take pride in the fact you are making the difference in the quality of life of a loved one. Cherish the moments you have with them and look for ways to include him/her in daily routines and gatherings. Keep making memories everyday.