This is True…Humour!

WHEN SALARIES AND BENEFITS JUST AREN'T ENOUGH:
The Kanawha County (W.Va.) School Board has voted to give teachers a bonus if they'll simply show up for work. Teacher absence has grown so much the district pays $4.9 million per year for substitute teachers. "Don't get me wrong, our substitutes do a good job," Board president Jim Crawford said. "But this gives people an opportunity to come to school on a regular basis and be rewarded for it." Teachers would get a maximum of a $1,050 bonus if they used none of their 15 allotted sick days each year. The school system treasurer said that if more than half of the eligible employees qualified for the bonus, the scheme would cost more than it saves. (Charleston Daily Mail) …Worse, think of the precedent: now the kids will want diplomas just for showing up.

TESTING HIS METTLE:
Shiv Charan Yadav has failed his high school final exams. Again. Yadav, who lives in the village of Kohari in Rajasthan, India, had vowed that he would not marry until he passed high school. This year's exam try was his 38th, and he is 73 years old; he has been taking the exam each year since he was 35, and plans to try again next year. "Once I pass I want to get married to a girl who's under 30," he said. (Reuters) …But no doubt, he'll fail her exam.

NOT FIT FOR A DOG:
British MP Mike Penning claims the reason military food is so bad is because it's worse than dog food. He says his research shows the military spends 1.51 pounds (US$3.00) per day on food for troops, but at least 2.63 pounds (US$5.25) per day on food for military dogs. Prison food averages 1.87 pounds (US$3.75) a day, and a school lunch averages 1.55 pounds (US$3.10). A Ministry of Defense spokesman disputed the figures, noting the dog food doesn't cost that much. (London Daily Mail) …Well, so much for their recruiting drive for the canine corps.

WWWOEFULLY BEHIND THE TIMES:
Judge Peter Openshaw, presiding over the trial of three alleged Islamist terrorists in London, England, interrupted the proceedings because he didn't understand a point the prosecutor made. "The trouble is I don't understand the language," he said. "I don't really understand what a Web site is." The point is critical, since the suspects allegedly used web sites to communicate terror plans. The patient prosecutor gave the judge an explanation, to which the judge replied, "I haven't quite grasped the concepts." The Reuters dispatch notes that "the trial continues." (Reuters) …Well yeah — at this rate it could take years.

CONSIDER YOURSELF SPURRED:
Michelle Incanno says she was a Starbucks addict, buying beans and coffee drinks frequently. The Springboro, Ohio, woman recently got a cup of joe at her neighborhood outlet when she noticed something new on her cup: a quotation that, Starbucks says, is designed to "collect different viewpoints and spur discussion." The company invites replies on its web site. The quote on Incanno's cup read: "Why in moments of crisis do we ask God for strength and help? As cognitive beings, why would we ask something that may well be a figment of our imaginations for guidance? Why not search inside ourselves for the power to overcome? After all, we are strong enough to cause most of the catastrophes we need to endure." Incanno was outraged. "I was so offended by that," she said. "I just want coffee." She says she won't return to Starbucks. (Dayton Daily News) …But if she does, she might want to consider switching to decaf.

FROM A PROUD TOWER IN THE TOWN; DEATH LOOKS GIGANTICALLY DOWN:
A cemetery vandal knocked down tombstones in Merrillville, Ind., causing more than $8,000 in damage. Michael David Schreiber, 22, was arrested and faces charges of criminal trespassing, criminal mischief and public intoxication. Police are pretty sure Schreiber is the one responsible for the desecration: he was found trapped under one of the toppled tombstones, the 1,000-pound slab pinning him to the ground. "The letter V — in the family name [on the tombstone] — left an imprint on Schreiber's thigh," the investigating officer noted. (Northwest Indiana Times) …If there's any justice, it'll be permanent.