How to Help a Friend with ADHD

Do you have a friend who (among their many admirable qualities) has difficulty being organised, who lives amongst constant clutter, fails to meet deadlines, and who seldom arrives anywhere on time? Perhaps they struggle to know when to stop talking or how to let go of a subject? If so, it may be they’re living with ADHD or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. This challenging condition can manifest in different ways for each individual, but some or all of the examples above can be an indication ADHD is affecting their everyday life. As a friend to someone living with ADHD, it’s important to know how you can help so your relationship can thrive. If you’re in this situation, the following tips below can help:

Separate behaviour from intent

Remember the more difficult aspects of your friend’s behaviour is not a reflection of how they feel about you. If they fail to meet you as planned, or turn up very late, it doesn’t mean they think you’re not worth showing up for (in fact, they will almost certainly feel huge remorse about having let you down). So don’t berate them for their actions. Instead, couch your feelings in ways that let them know you value them and want to help them with time management. For example, next time you plan to meet up, ask your friend if they would like a reminder (such as a phone call half an hour before you’re going to see each other).

Be specific with plans and timing

Avoid giving your friend vague suggestions of times, such as: “Let’s go for lunch tomorrow.” Those who live with ADHD often have difficulty staying focused on times and dates. So, instead, be precise with an arrangement by saying: “Our table for lunch tomorrow is booked for midday. So we’ll need to leave at 11.30 to get to the restaurant on time.”

Offer one task or instruction at a time

If you’re helping your friend with a task, or they are helping you with yours, give one instruction at a time, and wait until it has been carried out before giving another. People with ADHD are likely to view a list (verbal or written) with a sense of dread and/or panic, as they see it as requiring them to focus on multiple tasks at once.

Help with one small organising job, not everything

Difficulty with organisational skills can mean someone coping with ADHD lives in a perpetual state of clutter. If they come to you for help to ‘find’ their washing machine or bench top, for example, concentrate on helping them with that one task. Attending to all the clutter in their house at once is likely to be viewed with anxiety as the focus is too broad.

Reduce decision overload

When it comes to decision-making, limiting the number of decisions you ask your friend to make can be a great help to them. For example, don’t say: “I’m looking forward to going walking with you tomorrow. Do you want to head to the park or the beach? Or shall we plan to end our walk at a cafe?” Instead, proffer: “About our walk tomorrow, do you want to head to the park or the beach?”  Better still, make the decision for them if you think it would be more helpful.

Gently support balanced conversations

It can be difficult for someone living with ADHD to know just how much information on a topic of conversation they need to convey. This is because sorting out what’s important and what’s not can be challenging. The result is the ‘conversation’ can become purely one-sided, with them doing all the talking. Be brave, gentle, and kind, by discussing this with your friend. It may be they would appreciate your letting them know when it’s time to wind up their chat. Or, if you are in a group setting, you may want to agree on a subtle signal it’s time for someone else to ‘take the floor.’

Those living with ADHD can have many skills and attributes non-neurodiverse people lack. They can also face significant challenges in their everyday lives, and the help of an understanding friend can be invaluable. As you offer help, do so with compassion and a listening ear, and let your friend take the lead in helping you help them.