‘Yes’ People – Who are They and How to Help

We’ve all done it – said ‘yes’ to a request on the spur of the moment, then later regretted doing so. That’s OK, because it’s within the bell-curve. What’s not OK is saying ‘yes’ to every request that comes your way, then feeling perpetually overcommitted, run down, resentful, and resented by those closest to us. Yet many of us know someone just like this, and many of us wish we knew how to help them. If this is the case, here’s your chance to pick up some tips. First, a little background – because there’s nothing like understanding a problem before you tackle it.

Why do ‘yes’ friends do what they do?

Not everyone is confident. Many people crave acceptance, understanding, love, affection, and admiration far beyond what can normally be met by a partner or close friend. Until a person understands why they have these insatiable cravings (an insight often not gained until professional help is sought), they keep saying ‘yes’ to others. This is because fulfilling requests results in the gratitude and admiration they need in order to feel loved and accepted. ‘Yes’ people are soon exploited to the point of exhaustion. They certainly never have enough time for their closest friends and family, yet these are the very people they frequently off-load onto. In extreme cases, friends and family are the ones who are left to pick up the pieces when a ‘yes’ person collapses from the physical or mental exhaustion of helping others. If you want to help a ‘yes’ person in your life, try the following: 

Stop enabling

‘Yes’ people are often only able to do what they do because others in their life cover for them. It may be the grandparents who (yet again) miss out on their social meet-up because their daughter is too busy helping a colleague to collect the kids from school. Or the husband who cooks dinner every night of the week because his wife is busy ‘counselling’ a friend. By covering for a ‘yes’ person, we are enabling them to carry out their unhealthy behaviour. It’s only when we say ‘no’ that we remind them they are overcommitting themselves. Refusing to cover for a ‘yes’ person can leave us feeling uncomfortable. It can even invite their anger. But by being real with them, it can help them to reflect on their actions.

We enable ‘yes’ people when we sympathise with their exhaustion. If you are a sounding board for an over-committer, instead of offering sympathy, try reflecting back to them their situation. For example, instead of saying: ‘you poor thing – that must be so difficult,’ try: ‘it sounds as though you may have taken on too much, and left no time for yourself.’

Model desirable behaviour

‘Yes’ people often want to draw you into their own unhealthy behaviour. If they agree to be chairperson, they may want you to be secretary. If they are volunteering for a working bee, they will want you to do the same. If you find yourself in a situation like this, be firm but polite, and be sure to state clearly, and without apology, your reason for not committing. Let it be known you value down-time, for example: “I won’t be coming to the next working bee. Helen and I are going to the batch for the weekend. We really enjoy it down at the beach.” ‘Yes’ people will often express surprise at your ability to find leisure time. If they voice this to you, use it as an opportunity to remind them of how important taking time-out is. You might say, for instance: “Yes, it wasn’t easy to get away, but if we don’t make the effort, we don’t see enough of each other.”

Taking advantage…

Helping a ‘yes’ person to slow down isn’t easy, but you can sometimes do so by taking advantage of their ‘yes’ nature. To do this, ask them if they would be able to keep you company on a short holiday, a game of golf, or a walk by the beach. If you pitch it so their agreeing to the invitation is a ‘favour’ to you, you may just succeed in getting them to accept. And if they get a taste of relaxation often enough, it may help break their cycle of over-committing. At the very least, a quiet time together could result in opportunities for a more intimate discussion about why they do what they do.