How we find our voice

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” – Marilyn Monroe

For a long time I have suffered from a bad case of “approval-seeking.” I have been desperate for others to say nice things about me. I have often gone to great lengths to withhold information or not risk stating how I felt about things as I did not want to rock the boat and cause conflict. In other words: I WAS AFRAID TO BE ME. But living my life so it depended on the opinion of others has not been a pretty choice. It often ends in inner turmoil, depression and chaos.

Learning to value my own opinions and desires has had a ripple effect through many areas of my life: I am free to be myself, and in turn I can allow others to be whoever and however they choose to be.

So here are some thoughts if you wish to find and express your own inner voice:

1. How we feel and what we need are just as important as the feelings and needs of others. Instead of always dismissing our ideas and feelings as “not that important,” we need to value them. What we feel and think is worthy of being heard.

2. Saying how we feel will not kill us! At times we may often feel either we would die, or others would from hearing our honest feelings and opinions. Only by practicing speaking up do we learn that this is not true.

3. It is not the end of the world if someone disagrees with our decisions. I thought I would crumble without the approval of others, but when I was willing to feel the initial uncomfortable feelings I experienced when others did not agree with or like my decisions, I got stronger and the fear of such feelings got weaker.

4. When we follow our heart, people around us may at first be uncomfortable, but THEY ADJUST! Or at least the people you can genuinely call your friends adjust. It amazed me that no matter how threatened others were with the “new me,” when I persisted in doing what was right for me, they eventually settled down and got used to my new ways; in fact, they even respected me for them!

5. By being true to ourselves, we set an example that inspires others to step out and make changes. I left a job a few years ago that was not good for me any longer and a few months later a colleague did the same thing. She later told me that I inspired here to make the choice when you saw that I thrived from the decision I made. The gift to ourselves of changing is also a gift to others.

6. People cannot read your mind. We can’t blame others for not doing it “our way” when we don’t even express what that is. I no longer feel “misunderstood,” because I speak up and give others an opportunity to understand me!

7. “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” The tendency for those of us who are afraid of being honest is to build up such fear and resentment, that we blurt out things that often offend others. It is important to practice saying what we mean in a direct way, with kindness and respect.

8. We may be awkward as we begin to speak up. This is not an easy change to make. At first we may stumble over our words, we may not get our point across, and that others may not like us speaking up. Also, we don’t need to apologise for our opinions, for example, “This may be a stupid thing to say, but…” And we don’t need to backpedal by saying, “You’re right, I’m wrong; I don’t know what I was thinking.” Be steadfast, kia kaha! Everyone respects people who risk being the minority voice. And you will be surprised to find that often others will join you.

Our self-esteem comes from taking risks and being who we are, not from the approval of others. So speak up, and notice how many people begin to listen.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. – Steve Jobs

By Ron Trustin

Motivating baby boomers to see the world with fresh eyes.

Read more articles from Ron here.