Forgiveness Is A Selfish Act

Eva Eiger, a Jewish woman who lived through a Nazi death camps is quoted as saying, “Forgiving is a selfish act to free yourself from being controlled by your past.”

Friendships are significant relationships. They are affairs of the heart, not in the way of a lover, but a dear friend definitely occupies a place in your heart. Such friendships can last a lifetime, yet have their complications. It is entirely possible to feel frustrated or let down by a friend, they are only human after all.

In the course of a long friendship, it’s understandable that there will be times when things go wrong. We expect ups and downs when it comes to romantic and or family relationships. We also work to resolve these upsets – but when it comes to friendships, the system of forgiving a friend can be more complicated. Lovers kiss and make up, families hold to tradition, but friends sometimes flounder when complications arise.

A friendship is often viewed like a giant sponge, absorbing love, secrets, feelings of betrayal, expectations and troubled feelings. To continue the analogy, sponges need to be rinsed and cleaned sometimes, or they become unhealthy.

It takes courage to have an honest conversation with anyone you care about when there is an issue. There are so many way that you may be misunderstood, or that a small issue can escalate if the conversation turns sour. However, without change, the same problems will bubble away under the surface of the friendship.

The important thing to remember is to keep any emotionally charged conversations issue-related. Don’t talk to your friend when you are angry, and don’t save up a whole lot of grievances and air them all at once. Think it through, make a list of things you’d like to say about a specific issue and check that they relate to something that your friend can actually rectify. Avoid generalisations (“you always…”) and stick to the issue.

Good friends will rarely go out of their way to upset you. Chances are, there is a communication problem, caused by each of your own personal experiences. If you are particularly sensitive about something, any comment can be perceived as criticism. We all make mistakes and say stupid things. Forgiveness is the price of admission to every kind of love affair.

If you are ready to forgive someone, do. It does not mean you have to condone what has upset you. Just don’t allow your desire not to ‘give the other person the satisfaction’ of being forgiven to hold you back. Allow yourself to be free of the feelings of upset.

There are as many ways to forgive as there are people needing to be forgiven. It may be that you understand each other better after an honest chat. In the best case scenario, you will receive a sincere apology. Accepting that and offering forgiveness is all about the same thing — love.  From there, it is up to both you and your friend how you proceed with your friendship.