Eloise divorced eight years ago and wants to meet someone. She researches new classes and activities, but when it comes to going she finds an excuse not to. Although many over 50’s enjoy greater confidence as they age, some like Eloise, put their life on hold. She prefers to stay home watching other peoples’ lives on TV rather than stepping out of her comfort zone.
Fear
Life coach and author Rhonda Britten believes this fear of change holds us back to `protect’ us. Ultimately impacting our career, home life and love.
“Fear makes us cling to the familiar and build evidence against the new, the daring, and the different.”
In her bestseller Fearless Loving, Britten emphasizes the importance of self acceptance, self love and self approval. “Fear teaches you don’t deserve any of them. It tries to protect you from disappointment by telling you to put yourself down before anyone else has the chance to do it.”
Therefore accepting and being yourself after a loss must come before dating. And once dating, approach it as practice at being yourself. No more dressing to impress or putting on an act. Date to meet friends- a partner is an added bonus. In reality this approach is incredibly liberating, taking much of the pressure associated with dating away.
Before dating
First try some introspection. Think about the things you like about your life and things you would like to change. What do you enjoy? Pursue new or previous interests or activities. Start an exercise programme, join the local golf club or sign up for dance classes. Getting fit increases self- confidence and clubs are also great for expanding your social network.
Step out of routine
If you go to work the same way everyday go a new way. If you always watch a programme on TV on the same night arrange to go out for dinner or see a movie with a friend that night instead. Go for a walk on the beach or through the bush and focus on all of your senses. Smile or say hello to someone new. These small steps increase your ability to step out of your comfort zone and accept change.
Plan
Britten suggests making a list of the top five qualities you seek in a partner. Start by brainstorming as many as possible, then whittling the list down to five. Don’t rush this step. The list is an important reference you can refer to when you start dating so may need some adjustment. Writing it may take hours or weeks.
Online dating
Online dating is a gentle approach to meeting people allowing you to set your own pace. If you are uncomfortable posting a photo for everyone to see, join a service that allows you to choose who sees your photo. People who are open to meeting friends and not just a partner will usually chat first without a photo. Use a recent photo – remember this is about keeping true to yourself.
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Have fun and enjoy your freedom
Wait a couple of years after a break up or loss before committing to a serious relationship. Many experts agree that waiting gives you time to grow comfortable with yourself. And keep things in perspective, a date is just a date so enjoy.
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