By Denise Corlett.
Find more articles by Denise here.
Often there comes a time in the relationship where a critical question or a derivative of it is asked, “should I settle or is there someone better?” It can be at the stage where more commitment has been flagged, such as spending more time together, becoming exclusive, potentially moving in together, considering having children or prior to getting married. It’s a realistic question, and there could be some real value in examining your thoughts and feelings about your partner and you and the relationship you have.
Some of the ideas questions you might like to ponder on are outlined below.
No One Is Perfect
Key to this dilemma is the realisation that no one is perfect. Not you, not her or him. You’re both unique with your own insecurities, personalities and behaviours. My thoughts are that personalities remain consistent over time, behaviours can change if there is individual motivation and drive to change and insecurities can be managed and worked on if there is motivation to do so and assistance given to develop skills to adapt. You will have to work out what parts of your partner and of you aren’t to your liking and establish whether you can live with that or not.
Changing Your Mate
Further to this is the idea of changing your mate to please you or believing that over time, with all your efforts that your mate is likely to change. In my opinion, you’re better to accept your mate as who she/he is today and decide whether that is going to work for you long term. Why? Often you will be disappointed or create a rift in your relationship due to your unrealised hopes and expectations of the other person changing. Okay, sometimes a partner can change a behaviour or way of doing things, but isn’t it better that that person does so because they are motivated to do so, rather than feel like they need to do it to have your approval?
Relationships Require Work
Relationships do require effort, focus and time to make them successful. What that means for you and your relationship can be something completely different to another couple. Spend time and effort working out what can delight your partner and what can be upsetting. Then from that information, you can get to decide what you want to do about it. It’s your choice. However, I would also say that if a relationship is just too hard and that one party is making all the compromises or feeling like their needs aren’t being met, then objectively look at whether this relationship is the right one for you.
Your Own Personal Checklist of Needs, Wants and Values
If you can get absolutely clear about your fundamental needs and your key values, then screening and filtering in or out partners can seem a lot simpler. Your fundamental needs will trip you up on a regular basis and if that is a difficulty in your relationship, then it is wise to review whether or not this person is right for you. There are areas that you can compromise on and areas you can’t. Try and clarify this as much as possible for yourself so you feel good about the decision you make.
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Denise Corlett, founder of Dating Advice, is an expert in helping professional men and women find, attract and be successful in relationships. For more dating advice information on how to get partnered go to www.datingadvice.co.nz
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MacThistle - 14 years ago
It is good to read that I recognise the strengths and needs of both myself and partner. But it is disheartning to realise at the same time that while he is aware of what ‘rocks my boat and gets on my goat’ he still fails to compromise on an important issue. He knows he needs to, says he will but that is as far as it gets. Just words! No action. If he fails to act soon I am reluctant to admit that perhaps we just are not meant to be together despite the fact we both love one another. I am tired of feeling stressed and on edge and angry. And he is tired of me being like it as well. Yet still he cant see or comprehend ‘what its all about’.