Life and love, from the experts

There is an old joke about a man who is on to his fifth marriage, espousing wisdom to his friend who was on his first marriage, claiming to be an expert in women. “But, mate,” says his friend, “if you’re an expert, surely you would have got it right the first time..?”

Author Karl Pillemer is a self-confessed ‘advice junkie’ and a gerontologist at Cornell University. as part of his work and interest, he has interviewed hundreds of older people to seek their advice on love and living.

The key pieces of advice that have really stuck with him follow.

Stop worrying so much

Number one the list was to stop worrying, to avoid regrets. People were passionate about this one and urged their younger friends and family members not to waste their time on worry.  They weren’t talking about planning, but the kind of mindless rumination that all of us do over things we have no control.

Time spent needlessly worrying as time wasted.

A related observation of older people comes through very strongly in their advice about marriage. Very often a lot of their advice revolves around lightening up. We allow things, like marriage to become far too serious and grim.

But…when it comes to relationships, do worry about the small stuff.

Think small, when it comes to love – it’s the small, minute-to-minute, day-to-day interactions that make up a relationship.

Relationships are made up of hundreds or thousands of daily micro-interactions where you have the opportunity to be positive and supportive to your partner or to be dismissive and uninterested.

There’s been research that indicates something as small as how you respond if your partner interrupts you while you’re doing something is indicative of how good the relationship is going to be. If you’re doing something like reading the paper, and your partner wants to show you something of interest to him or her, whether you respond dismissively or you briefly stop what you’re doing and engage with your partner can indicate how positive the relationship is.

Other research shows that it takes about 10 positive interactions to make up for one nasty one, so the ratio of positive to negative small interactions in a relationship is extremely important. Remember small courtesies, like good manners (yes, that’s can be as simple as a please and thank you), which are often skipped over as we get familiar with each other.

They say using politeness and tact, paying compliments, creating little surprises (even something as small as unpacking a dishwasher) act as a good aphrodisiac!

If you think about it, often the gripes in a relationship are the little things (leaving clothes lying around or other seemingly tiny transgressions) that cause long term resentment. Failing to observe the little things that are important to your partner can add up over time.

Support your partner’s interests – many couples develop different interests and sometimes one partner then becomes hostile to the other’s passionate interest. Positive change can come about in a relationship when you give your partner’s interests a chance or embrace them.

Don’t sacrifice your relationship for your children

Basically, marriages start out pretty happy. Research shows marital happiness drops at the birth of the first child and usually never completely recovers until the last child has left the house.

Children are amazing and add so much to our lives, but they are stressful for marriages. There’s no doubt that a lot of marital arguments and difficulties revolve around children. It is easy to put your children first and neglect your marriage, which can be irreparably damaged without special care. If you aren’t attending to your relationship, you aren’t going to be very effective as child-rearers.

If you sacrifice your relationship for your children, you have a chance of losing both. That doesn’t mean ignoring children, of course, it means multitasking and keeping a careful eye on all your relationships.

Marry someone who shares your core values

The concept of opposites attracting may be very romantic in the beginning of a relationship, but the couples who have had long harmonious relationships often put it down to their similarities, not their differences.

For example, if you have similar views on work, child rearing, money and spirituality, it makes everything easier, not that there are any absolute guarantees when it comes to love.

Communicate early and frequently

People who divorce very typically attribute it to a communication breakdown. The ability to open up, to have open and successful communication and to really talk to one another is key for a successful relationship.

Marriage is a discipline

The older the couple interviewed, the more they viewed marriage as an unbreakable bond; they simply had to work on it. They chose live through rough patches rather than just try to get out of the relationship. They accommodated and accepted their partner. They viewed their union as something bigger than two people and their immediate individual satisfaction.

When they got married, they were making a commitment to the concept of marriage as a worthwhile institution, rather than the partnership based on immediate satisfaction of the individuals involved. Marriage is a lifelong path, one that you never perfect and that you continually work to get better at.

Record the story of your life

Most people would like to be able to review their lives and see it as a meaningful whole. Live a life that will matter – or that you are proud of and can share with your family, friends and wider community. This adds up to a happier later part of life.

Some of them suggested creating an “ethical will,” where you write down what you would like to see for younger generations, in terms of their values, principles and morality. This can also include family history and anecdotes.