Marriage 101 – Revitalising Your Marriage

When you are first married, there’s a lot of joy in being united to face the whole arsenal of external factors we all have to negotiate in simply being alive and creating a way of life. There’s happiness in knowing there are two of you now, that someone has got your back. Every time you are together, all you want to do is talk, laugh, go out, have fun, have sex, be close, plan and simply enjoy each other’s company.

As the years fly by, we often look back on that time in our marriage as a different era or stage, sometimes ‘Before Kids’, ‘Before The House’, before the whole host of external pressures including work pressures, in-law and out-law family relationships, raising children and financial pressures inevitably kick in. Negotiating all those things makes it easy for us to lose touch with each other and the way our marriage used to be. Often we become more like partners or flatmates where managing the business of ‘home, work and family’ comes first.

The biggest single reason for this, says Relationships Aotearoa National Director Clinical Services, Cary Hayward, is the loss of time and space for emotional intimacy. Without realising it, the consequence is that over time we withdraw emotionally from each other.

Is that the way marriage was meant to be? Heck, no!

The truth is emotional withdrawal is a very risky business. It’s the no.1 risk for separation, and its bedfellow, divorce. Collectively we need to stop seeing it as the inevitable corollary of a long term marriage or relationship. Instead we need to start seeing it for what it really is: a potentially [married] life-threatening disease that needs to be identified, addressed and kicked to touch.

The remedy is simple, but like all good habits requires dedication and commitment at first with an absolutely ‘No Excuses’ trial period, say two months.

So what is it? It’s simple: a set time each week, for example one night, has to be Relationship Time. It doesn’t have to be a date night, but it does have to be regular, uninterrupted space and time to be with one another, Cary says. It needs to be quality time. You can set the ground rules: cell phones off, ansaphones on except for emergencies. Discussion of everyday pressures like tax returns and concern over how the family farm is doing etc needs to take a back seat to making this time enjoyable, meaningful and all about the two of you and your marriage, your relationship. You can discuss things that are worrying you like problems with a child, but the key thing is not to lose sight of the fact that this is the time when you look after and repower your marriage.

Quality time could mean sharing some favourite activities together and having fun together. It could be going to a movie or enjoying a nice meal over a glass of wine. It can be the time when, for a precious few hours, life becomes simple, the time when all you have to do is focus on each other and the relationship.  It’s time for emotional intimacy and physical affection and closeness (that may or may not include having sex).

There’s one more thing you can do to protect and care for your marriage, advises Cary, and that is to think strategically. For example, set up key times and events over the course of the year when you can both leave the everyday pressures that we all tend to get caught up in, behind to enjoy yourselves. Make anniversaries and birthdays memorable occasions. Plan weekends away a couple of times a year. Make scheduling in a week-long holiday away somewhere together a priority and something you can look forward to.

It’s so easy to let opportunities for fun pass us by, but really, isn’t that what loving life is all about? Make time to love and care for your marriage and it really will love you back.