Welcome back to our mini-series on emotional labour – the daily, unpaid, usually unrecognised, mammoth task of managing a household’s personal needs, all while suppressing your own emotions and needs. In our last article, we checked out the symptoms of emotional labour burnout. Now, in this, our last article in this mini-series, we take a hard look at how to manage life so you don’t reach the stage of emotional labour burnout. If it does hit you, we also look at what steps you can take to recover:
Protecting yourself from emotional labour burnout
We often think of it as noble – the ongoing effort to put a lid on your own personal stress in order to support others. But forever putting others’ feelings first can leave you emotionally drained, and of no help to yourself or anyone else. Before you get to this stage, there are several steps you can take to care for yourself. These include:
Saying ‘no’
Making yourself unavailable to help someone else doesn’t mean you don’t care about them or their needs. It simply means you’re not in a position to give them what you both know they need. So, instead of being an inadequate helper to them, and potentially harming them as well as yourself, be honest about your unavailability. They’ll appreciate you for saying so.
Set boundaries
Where possible, let those who ask for your help know you can and will help them, but it may not be immediately. Instead, set a time they can come to you, and review this if necessary. This gives you time out for your own emotional energy levels to recover from stress and fatigue.
Remember your priorities
If you don’t care for yourself, you can’t be there for others. Make time in your life for rest, recreation, friends, and providing yourself with exercise and good nutrition. Don’t be afraid to schedule these aspects into your daily routine, and let others around you know your schedule is important.
Off-load
When all around you are depending on you to be a sounding board or to manage the dynamics of their domestic relationships, you need time to off-load the emotions and the stress you’re taking on board. Often, all we need is a good friend who’s willing to listen (they don’t need to solve your problems – but they do need to show up for you). You might also like to seek out a professional to talk to, such as a counsellor. If your family recognises you as the primary emotional labourer in the home, ask them to support you in your efforts to engage a professional to talk to.
Keep a journal
Writing down your feelings and responses to the pressures you’re facing can be an outlet for stress. In fact, some people find this to be one of the most beneficial ways to avoid emotional labour burnout.
When you’ve left it too late
When emotional labour burnout has already knocked you for six, when you’re ready to scream, and simply don’t have any reserves left to cope, you have no choice but to put on the brakes, and in a very deliberate way. For the emotional labourer at home, this can mean heading to their GP, pronto, and following their advice. It can also mean physically detaching yourself from your environment. Here’s how you can do it:
‘Disappear’ around home
Where it’s safe to do so, put on your headphones and listen to music or a podcast as you move around the house (you won’t hear the bickering, you’ll miss many of the minor requests, and you won’t be aware of the sorts of subtle interactions you usually feel compelled to weigh in on).
Leave the room
Make time to take yourself out for a walk or bicycle ride to blow away the cobwebs – and don’t be tempted to invite the family to join you. A friend or family member can step in at home if you plan in advance.
Inactivity – no exceptions!
Build periods of complete inactivity into your day (once again, you will probably have to take yourself away from home to make this happen). Try heading to the beach or riverside, a cafe, or (if the weather is pleasant) a park. It’s OK to stare into space, look up at the clouds, or listen to music. Steer clear of anything even remotely demanding such as reading, looking at your phone, window shopping, or planning.
Time-out
Our emotions recover more fully when we get a decent sized block of time to ourselves. So, don’t be afraid to offload the family to friends and relations while you take yourself away for a few days to a place where you can fully relax. We can’t all afford an Airbnb, or a retreat, but you may have access to a friend’s holiday home, a house sit, or even a camping ground cabin or on-site caravan.
Tweak your ‘relaxation’ time
So often, when we’re overloaded, we reach for our phones and the news or social media to self-sooth. However, screen time is demanding, whether we think so or not. So, try to break your habit of engaging with unhelpful ways to ‘relax’, including the evening or pre-dinner drink of alcohol, the date with the cookie jar, or the desperate attempt to tidy the house so you get to sit down in pleasant surroundings (just close your eyes, instead!). These sorts of diversions might feel good at the time, but your body and your brain is screaming for an immediate break of the right sort.
Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of trying to recover from emotional labour burnout, is it can still feel as if it’s all up to you to make it happen. So don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family who understand enough to help you make the plans you need to recover. You’ve been at the helping end of things for long enough – now it’s someone else’s turn to help you.