How to help yourself and others through this challenging time
Grief doesn’t stop for Christmas. In fact, Christmas can make life much more difficult for those who have lost a loved one in recent times, or who are having difficulty working their way through a loss experienced at any time. Why is grief at Christmas so much harder than at other times of the year? It’s because it is so often linked to the special traditions, and joys, we have shared with our departed loved-one. So, for many, it’s another reminder this longed-for person is no longer with us. How we care for ourselves, and for those who are facing grief at Christmas, can help in the healing. Here are some sensitive suggestions from others who have navigated loss through what is traditionally thought of as ‘the festive season.’ We hope they may help you, too.
For those who grieve
Be gentle with yourself. If you are invited to Christmas dinner (or any other festive function), there is no need to give a definite answer. Explain you are unlikely to know, until the day, if you can manage to attend.
Don’t feel you need make an effort to mark Christmas any more than you really want to (which may be not at all). Christmas newsletters (writing or reading them) can wait; decorations can stay in the drawer; even Christmas dinner isn’t compulsory. In short – postpone Christmas to a time when you feel ready for it.
If you are given a gift, don’t feel you need open it until you are feeling stronger.
If it helps, acknowledge memories of your loved one in relevant ways: place their photo beside a Christmas candle, or a Christmas tree if you have one. Or surround it with gentle fairy lights.
Attend a religious service or funeral director’s memorial service that acknowledges the loss of loved ones.
Make a donation to a cause that was dear to the heart of your loved one.
Buy yourself a gift you know your loved one would have wanted you to have – a beautiful plant for the garden, or a piece of jewellery.
If being with others helps, don’t feel the need to hide away. No one will underestimate your loss, simply because you want to be with others at Christmas.
If you need to talk, and friends or family are on holiday or you feel they’re busy with the bustle of Christmas, call Samaritans, Lifeline, or Age Concern. They’re there to help. For an app that has helped others, go to Griefity app.
For those who support the one who grieves
A friend may not feel up to attending a Christmas gathering, but they might appreciate going for a walk with you on Christmas day.
If you would like to give a Christmas gift, make it appropriate (a candle or a photo frame are both thoughtful gifts), and wrap it in neutral, rather than Christmas, paper.
Delivering a small hamper can be helpful as those who are in mourning often don’t have the energy to cook or bake for themselves.
Don’t be afraid to issue an invitation to Christmas, but send it in the form of a message or card as this avoids putting pressure on the mourner to make a decision on the spot.
Accept your own awkwardness when you go to visit, and be honest if you don’t know what to do (“I’m not sure what to say,” is a line that can often break the ice).
Be understanding of a mourner’s decisions about how to spend Christmas, and if they wish to be alone, be sure to say you are still there if they change their mind, even at the last minute.
Offer to accompany them if there is something they wish to attend (a carol service, for instance) or if they wish to do some gift shopping for grandchildren.
Give them a call on Christmas morning to see how they are doing, and if there is anything they need. Call again in the evening.
Plate up a Christmas dinner for someone who has chosen to spend Christmas day alone.
Grief at Christmas poses its own unique challenge. Understanding your own needs, and the needs of those who mourn is the key to ‘getting through.’