Note: the following is not intended as medical advice. For information on menopause and pubertal change, head to your GP.
So, here’s some maths you might not want to hear: Half of all women giving birth in New Zealand are now 31.5 years old or older (and if the current trend continues, the age is set to rise). The usual age of menopause for New Zealand women is between 45 and 55 years. These figures, taken in tandem, mean a significant number of New Zealand mums will go through menopause at the same time their kids are experiencing puberty. If that isn’t a challenge-and-a-half, we don’t know what is!
Menopause is officially described as the point in life when a woman has gone 12 consecutive months without a menstrual period. Symptoms experienced in the lead-up to this point can begin 8-10 years before menopause, while symptoms in the wind-down, while less severe, can continue for several years. Symptoms, for many women, can include hot flushes, night sweats, insomnia, mood swings, mild depression, irregular periods which may be heavier or lighter than usual, and vaginal dryness (often leading to uncomfortable or painful sex).
Meanwhile, back in the teenage puberty camp, sons and daughters are going through their own developmental challenges. While the physical changes may be noticeable, so too are the emotional ones! A dire combo of hormonal changes and social pressures can contribute to a teen experiencing dramatic mood swings, emotional outbursts, lack of- or over-confidence, fear, anxiety, and even depression. With the result, unfair though it may be, Mum is having to cope with her own hormonal symptoms at exactly the same time she’s endeavouring to help her teen through theirs. It’s a juggling act – and how a family deals with it can make all the difference to how the household holds together. Each family has its own way of handling this tricky situation, and below are a few tips some households have found helpful
• One solution is to talk with your teen about what’s going on (for both of you), rather than push behaviours under the carpet. But not just ‘anywhere’ talk. Teens are notoriously bashful, so engage them in ‘side-ways’ talk – the sort of casual chat that takes place, while you’re on a walk, in the car, or preparing dinner together, for example. It’s a much more natural way to relate, rather than eye-balling each other across a table. If you let your teen know what you’re going through, you’ll likely find they’ll share with you their own hormonal-based challenges.
• Don’t be afraid to address actual challenges brought on by symptoms because most kids appreciate concrete examples and practical solutions. You might, for instance, want to explain if you lose your cool, it’s not necessarily because of anything your teen has done, and you will apologise (it just might not happen immediately). Feel free to suggest if your teen is feeling lousy, you’d appreciate it if they took the dog for a walk rather than baited their younger sibling. Try modelling helpful behaviour, too. You might, for instance, say to your teen: “I’m feeling so strung out with all this hormonal stuff. I’m heading to the park for a short walk.”
• Teen moodiness is often triggered by hunger as well as hormones, and menopausal symptoms aren’t helped by fatigue. Batch cooking and freezing meals can help with both, as can rostering your teen onto meal prep using simple recipes such as wraps or baked potatoes.
• Build some humour into the situation with family mood barometers magneted to the fridge, or a basket of mood-badges you and/or your teen can dip into and wear as required (our favourite badge is: “Love Me and Leave Me Alone.” Just make it clear your teen can always come to you, at any time, when necessary.
• Do active stuff together: head to the beach for an after work/school body board, put on some music and dance round the house, challenge your teen to an exercise workout, a game of arm wrestling, or shooting basketball hoops. Get that dopamine flowing!
• Remember, despite the challenges both you and your teen are going through, it’s you who’s the grown-up. So cut your teen, and yourself, some slack. After all, it doesn’t really matter if the beds don’t get made every day. Or if the recycling bin misses a cycle.
• Lean on your partner (if you have one), older children, friends, and extended family. Be open about the fact you sometimes need to off-load emotions or a task you’re normally responsible for. Don’t be afraid to off-load your teen, too – sending them to mow a grandparent’s lawn or to do the supermarket shopping for you is a great way to get them out of your hair for a spell!
Life can be tough, and one of the toughest gigs is doing hormonal change alongside your teen. So, don’t try to be a super-hero. Instead, do the best you can without striving for perfection.