We get emotional energy from many sources. The best source is positive emotions: things that feel good.
Imagine that you are exhausted, you are physically tired and grumpy, but then your phone rings and it is someone telling you that have you have just won a three-week trip to Europe with your four favourite people. The only catch is that you only have two hours to get to the airport. The energy from the thrill of the win and the excitement of the trip would far outweigh your physical tiredness. That’s the power of emotional energy. You would no longer be feeling tired and grumpy. You would be lit up. Your heart would be racing. You would be feeling lucky, excited and joyful.
What’s the point of working hard if you aren’t having any fun? I am big on fun and think it is actually the whole point of life. We are born, we have fun and then we die. I have had many arguments defending this belief! What else is the point? Working well to live well is a wonderful way to live. Collecting experiences and doing things that I love are very high on my priority list. There is nothing else you can take with you when you leave than the experiences you have collected.
I took my four adult children to see Billie Ellish in concert in Auckland. It was an amazing performance and an amazing weekend. It wasn’t easy! I have created four individuals with different preferences and personalities who aren’t afraid of sharing their thoughts, so it was an opinion-packed few days! But it was fun, and it was an experience. They got to experience Auckland. They got to experience each other, and I got to experience them. It was expensive, but I believe that money is for spending – I would gladly swap cash for experiences. It’s a privilege to be able to work hard and play hard, and I am constantly grateful for it.
Doing fun stuff keeps you interesting. It gives you better stories. Where have you been? Who have you met? What have you done? ‘Interesting’ keeps your energy fresh. Being ‘up to something’ gives you a very magnetic energy to be around. It makes you energetically attractive! It makes you nicer to work with, live with and be with.
Doing fun stuff is important, but you will notice that it doesn’t just happen. It is easy to find yourself bumping along, looking after everyone, attending meetings and doing all the stuff you should do and none of the stuff you want to do – the stuff that you really enjoy. Fun is something you need to plan. Each month, I make sure I have something in my planner that makes me happy, no matter how big or small – something that I can look forward to. It takes the dreariness out of my world and creates a consistent state of enjoyment. Doing more fun stuff is essential when you are busy because it’s usually the first thing to go. We get stressed when we do what other people want. Doing more of what we want keeps us buoyant during busy times.
We tend to fill up the wrong tanks. You need more of you. You need to tell the world that you matter. The problem with giving everything to others, with putting other people first, is that we teach them that we come second.
Energy comes from so many sources. Our emotional energy is often enough to get us through those times when our physical energy is compromised. Unfortunately, we are not able to have glorious and constant surprises of winning trips, so how can you find emotional energy in your everyday life? Here are some ideas for how you can fill the right tanks and, as author Sylvester McNutt put it, ‘Add value to your own life first’.
Cultivate passion
Having things in your life that you are passionate about will give you loads of energy, making you leap out of bed, eager to start your day. You know how it feels when you’re looking forward to a special event? Passionate people feel like that every day. The combination of passion and good health will give you a high-energy life.
Have something to look forward to
The power of having something to look forward to can keep people alive – literally! A concert, an event, a holiday, a hobby or people coming to visit are all things that we look forward to. Planning out your year and popping in things that you can get excited about will increase your emotional energy no end.
Surround yourself with things that make you happy
Dopamine decorating is a real thing! Filling your home, office or room with colour, textures and patterns that bring you joy makes your environment feel inspired. This can look different for everyone, which means the design possibilities are endless. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. The only challenge comes from living with other people and compromising when you have different ideas about what looks good.
Feng shui principles teach us that all of our ‘things’ hold energy. If you have things in your environment that annoy you, they will upset your energy. As 19th-century British designer William Morris said, ‘Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be beautiful or believe to be useful’.
Wear what makes you happy
You will be surprised by how much what you wear can impact your energy. I spent 20 years working as a stylist. I have always loved transforming people, and helping them to feel good about how they looked was very rewarding. Too many people restrict what they wear because they do not like attention, they do not like their bodies or they are concerned with what other people will say or think. I love the saying that what other people think of you is none of your business. Wearing what you want will give you way more energy and emotional delight than being held to someone else’s rulebook.
I love getting dressed. Every day, I wake up excited to decorate myself. I feel like my clothes pick me rather than the other way around. I am led to whatever catches my eye, and then I add a practical lens based on where I am going or what I am doing. Making an effort to gift-wrap yourself each day is a wonderful way to lift your energy.
We have all had the experience of putting on something that changes the way we feel. Feelings are a hugely important part of dressing. Think of how you want to feel emotionally: pretty, smart, organised, creative, important? Also, how do you want to feel physically: warm, soft, contained, structured?
The fabrics, colours and textures you choose all have an impact on how you feel. Your body absorbs the colours that you wear. Your skin responds to the fabrics that you choose. Adorn your body with things that you love. Honour yourself and dress accordingly.
Think about your favourite item of clothing. Describe it. What do you love about it? How does it make you feel? What is it made of? People fall into one of two categories with clothing: function or form. People who prize function will want things that are fit for purpose. They will want things that ‘work’. People who prize form will want things that look good. They will ditch comfort over style or design any day. It doesn’t matter what you like to wear; what matters is how you feel!
Change something!
They say that a change is as good as a holiday and making a change will certainly create some emotional energy. Contrary to our beliefs, we all have the ability to completely reinvent ourselves at any time. You can do what you want. It may not feel like it, but you can. Decide who and what you want to be. Change your job, change your location, change your hair. Decide what you want, believe you can have it, work out what you need and take some action.
Action feels good and keeps the darkness away. When I need a boost of emotional energy, I do something. I shift some furniture. I paint something. Occasionally, I clean something! (I’m not a huge fan of cleaning!)
Do something new
One of the pieces of advice I give out most often is to ‘do more’. People are horrified! They are already feeling stressed, overwhelmed and stretched; it doesn’t seem very clever to add more. The reason I am so keen on people adding more is that they need to do more of the things that light them up. They are doing too much, but not enough of the things that excite them.
What have you always wanted to do? Where have you always wanted to go? What did you love doing as a child? We become adults and lose touch with what makes us feel good, what we enjoy. Do more of what you love. Do new things. Being a beginner is so good for us. Post-pandemic my friend Charlotte and I were bored, so we made a pact to do something creative each month, something new.
We did resin art. We learnt a lot about ourselves and each other – it turns out I am quite bossy! We did glassblowing workshops. I was obsessed with glassblowing as a child and collected little glass animals. Spending a whole day in a glass foundry and coming home with a funny, wonky bowl was brilliant. I had to follow instructions, listen and do as I was told! None of those things are easy for me. As adults, we get too comfortable. We become know-it-alls. Learning something new will challenge you and give you new energy.
Be selfish
People are exhausted. They are ‘soul tired’: tired of trying, tired of being disappointed, tired of feeling misunderstood. You might think you are stuck, that you are unmotivated. After being in survival for so long, most of us feel depleted.
And the answer is selfishness! It’s time to be selfish. It’s time to stop self-sacrificing.
I heard a story recently about a woman who walked out on her life. She was 76 years old. She packed a bag and left. It suddenly occurred to her that she was not on this planet forever and that she was not living – she was existing! She no longer wanted the life she had been tolerating. She had been excessively self-sacrificing, giving everything to others and sacrificing her own needs. It was well and truly time for her to be selfish.
Selfishness is probably the last thing you want to identify with. When I wrote my first book, Look Gorgeous, Be Happy, I did a lot of research into the word ‘selfish’. It confused me because the suffix ‘ish’ means to be associated with a person or thing. If I am described as ‘boyish’ it means I am like a boy. If I am described as ‘blue-ish’ then I am a bit blue. So, my conclusion was that being selfish meant I was ‘like me’. Based on those examples, I am very happy to be selfish.
I realised years ago that I needed to be more of myself to cope. With four children and two businesses, it would have been very easy to drown, but me drowning served no one, and the only person who could keep my head up was me. The only person who could give my kids a happy mother was me.
I realised that I deserved the same time, love and energy that I was giving to so many people. I deserved time on my own. I deserved to go to places that lit me up, to spend time with people who inspired me. It was best for everyone. It meant that I was better for my family, for my clients and for my team.